Friday, August 26, 2011 . 8/26/2011 08:32:00 AM

I've never been a big fan of the male species.

Well, if your dad left the family in a dramatic way, your once-male-best friend abandoned you for reasons that escape your head, your pre-U education is traumatised by the dominant male population, where majority of the dickheads are assigned to your class and you're filled with jealousy for the childhood (again, male) friend whom Mum always compared you to and has achieved nearly everything you've ever wanted in life, then you'd probably understand.

Well, it's not that I was abused or assaulted in anyway in the past. It's just that there's this voice in me that tells me that men aren't the best creatures in the world, and I should just keep my distance. Indeed, I do keep my distance, although, sometimes, I find it hard to move away without being awkward, when the other party is clueless about my discomfort at the invasion of my personal space. Then again, usually, that little acting personality of mine always saves the day by, well, acting a little out-of-character (not that they know anyway) and hide all the signs (anxious eyes, sweaty palms, fidgeting, etc) that I'm nervous.

I think my problem is "forgiveness". I think the root of it all is me not having the ability to forgive my father for all his unforgivable deeds. Well, maybe I do have the ability, but it's just my unwillingness to forgive him. I can't forgive him for putting Mummy in her condition back then, and betraying the family by leaving with the other woman. Although he never did tell us about the other woman. Words can't even describe the hurt I felt for the many despicable things he did and left for us to finish. And maybe, in my young mind then, I couldn't forgive myself for being 'not good enough' to be his daughter for him to stay.

That probably stemmed it all. It didn't help that Mummy sent me to a girls' school, where my interaction skills with boys were impaired more than they already were. Even if I live with two brothers, I can never know what's going on in a guy's mind. It intimidates me, not knowing what they're thinking, since they're from Mars, and not knowing how to react to their every action.

It's easy to hide this fear, but it's hard to control it. Hiding is easy. Controlling takes a bit of willpower to override this overwhelming feeling of dread in me when a guy is near.

It's better these days though. Better than the days I isolate myself and ONLY talk to girls and women. I get to know some nice guys who, with time, are able to let me lower my wall of defence against them. It's still there, but I guess it's not as thick as before.

Mummy said to me recently, "You should give men a chance."

Maybe I should.