Tuesday, January 25, 2011 . 1/25/2011 07:30:00 PM

I'm absolutely pissed off.

I'm pissed off with my own bad luck.

I'm pissed off with my own life.

I'm pissed off about why I was born.

Why must I live a life of hardships and all while everyone else lives in comfort and all? Admit it, there's more comfort in others' lives compared to mine in this expensive urbanized country.

Why must I have the COMMON SENSE in this family? Nobody is thinking realistic enough here. Nobody is grounded enough to really think to solve the problems. Nobody wants to even THINK about the problems! How to solve them?!

Really, I think my parents are dumb. I know I'm brutal here, but it's true in some ways. If you're a single parent with not one, not two, but THREE dependent children, would you downgrade from a full-time job to a PART-TIME JOB? Unless this part-time job earns an extraordinary amount of money, maybe, but NO, it actually earns peanuts. Oh, and the reason for that? A ridiculous "I-want-to-concentrate-on-property". Do I see any results? NO! Till now, I only see TWO HOUSE sold, and THREE HOUSE rentals. For a period of more than a year. That's why I objected. Everyone else were for it. That's why I say, nobody here is grounded enough to look ahead.

AND, I'm sorry, but I mean no disrespect. My parents, the people who brought me up when I was young, those were my parents. The ones right now is an immature boy who is stubbornly stuck in his futile venture in the land up there, while the other is an immature girl who can't decide whether she wants a Rabbit Sweet or a Roche. What kind of parents want their girl to drink? What kind of parents want their kids to go SHOPPING the day before their exams, with double papers too? What kind of parents borrow money and dig into their savings? What kind of parents, ah, never mind. I could go on and on, but I don't wish to throw more fuel into burning coal.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the 'adult' in the family. I'm not one yet. Yet, I have to be one. I'm tired. I wish to study. I do. But... that's my own fault. I can't manage my time, but I need to work. Because there just isn't enough to spend. I'm already guilty everyone has to accommodate my 'cheap meals' everyday until I get some extra money. It's not like I wish to. Really.

I just swear, I don't want my kids to grow up this way. I want them to enjoy life. I want them to enjoy the childhood I never really had, the normal teen life that I crave, and not the hardest way to progress to adulthood. But who am I to say. My own mother had always said she didn't want her kids to grow up the way she did, but we did, albeit in a different time and way. From the way I talk, I could even guess what kind of mother I could be already. One who isn't like my own.

I love my mother and all, but really, the way she acts, I can't respect her enough as a daughter.

Thursday, January 20, 2011 . 1/20/2011 02:02:00 AM

He'll never see me in the same way I see him.

That's reality.

I'm a rather contradicting person. I talk to a guy happily over the net and phone messages, but to actually talk to him, I really can't. I'm shy.

I love English, but I'm not good enough in it. I love reading, just not enough to read reports and journals and whatever Scientific, Mathematical or Computing materials. I love cold weather, yet I hate them somehow. Same goes for hot weather. I love my family, yet they have many flaws I wish to change. I'm fair but I love to wear dark clothes.

Contradictions. Who can live without them?

Monday, January 17, 2011 . 1/17/2011 04:32:00 AM

I couldn't sleep... That was why I switched on the laptop in the middle of the night.

There were so many things I wished to write, but the moment I had the opportunity to write, whatever I wanted to write escaped my mind. Perhaps, my mind was in denial as much as my heart.

Well, I knew I wanted to write about him. Honestly, I'm starting to lose hope. And honestly, I think I'm falling harder than I thought I could.

Even then, I can't muster the courage to say anything, except to my dearest friends, whom I can trust.

Many things stop me. First, it's my inability to talk properly to anybody of the opposite sex. Four years of education in a girls' school did some damage to that. Four crucial years of my adolescence. I mean, I can talk to him online, but when it's face to face, I'm too shy to even look at him. Second, it's probably the knowledge that he himself was waiting for someone. So he's probably untouchable. And he probably never did see me as anything more than a friend.

Someone's words have been haunting me these days. "There's no hope when the guy sees you as a BFF." Not the exact words, but somewhere along that line. That sentence probably crushed a large percentage of hope I'd left from before. I wonder how much have I left after this.

Despite having so little hope, I can't help but still fall deeper in love with him. It's a very big phrase for me to say, since I don't use the word "love" lightly. He shows too much care. He acts too nice. But I guess why I fell for him is how close he is to the "normal" I'm used to. He has average looks (well, cute and huggable-looking). He gets angry at normal stuff, not petty stuff. He doesn't know what he wants yet. He likes action stuff and rock music. He's just... normal. Which is why I kinda like him, because he's not an ah beng, a chauvinist, a genius/prodigy who thinks too highly of himself, or a sadist.

And he makes me feel good about myself. I'm an existent. That I'm not useless and have my own abilities. That I'm someone worth talking to. And that... I'm actually a girl worth defending. Sometimes, there are things I could talk to him about that I can't actually say to others. And things I could share with him which others do not like. And also, we have our differences, and he understands that fact. That's it. He is so understanding, I'm not sure if I can find a person as good as him.

Sometimes, I can't help but think, am I becoming too much like an older sister he never had? Or the platonic (online) best friend he's treating me right now?

Sometimes, I wish his eyes could open a little bigger to realise why I like talking to him so much. And sometimes also wonder whether he knows and is keeping this to himself because he's afraid of hurting me with the impending rejection.

Guess that's it.

They say love is never easy, love is never painless and love is blind.

Saturday, January 8, 2011 . 1/08/2011 12:21:00 AM

I fell in love with someone who'll probably never return those feelings.

It's that simple.

Why can't I let go then?

It's just not that simple.

Why is he being so friendly? It just makes me fall for him harder each time. But then again, I don't want him to stop. It's my only way of getting connected to him. I'll just feel a devastating sense of loss if he does that.

I'm so afraid that I'm obsessed. That I'm blinded. That I can't see between the lines of reality and fantasy. Does love make you fear that much?

I can't stop. These feelings are just... overflowing.

But I won't act on it. If I do, I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of being heartbroken. I'm afraid that these dreams would stop. And I'm afraid I'll lost such a good friend because of my selfishness.

There's so many cons to it. I'd rather painfully watch him and pine for him than go for him.

I'm just not right.