Wednesday, April 28, 2010 . 4/28/2010 09:13:00 AM
I miss my laptop. It's currently fixing at Challenger. All because Mum opened my window, and totally forgot to close it when it rained heavily and everything on my table was soaked.
Using this tiny laptop is really a pain. I've always have problems typing in this thing...
Last night, I lay on my bed thinking about my lack of love life. (Do I even need that?)
Somehow, I found myself thinking about girls instead of guys. Then when I snapped back to reality, I went, "Oh gosh! I'm not turning into a lesbian, am I?"
Let me think of a reason why...
I have no luck with guys...
The guys I liked usually are ones who were interested in other girls, have girlfriends already, or are totally not interested in dating (maybe not in girls?)...
I'm totally too shy to approach guys...
I'm not so pretty...
I'm not the most logical person in the world... (how's that related?)
I'm a pessimist...
What else?
Hm... maybe it's just a hallucination. If Mum were to get hold of this, she'll freak out.
Blogger refused to cooperate with me last night, hence, even if I badly want to jot some of my thoughts down, it wasn't happening when my page won't even load.
Jealousy is an ugly little green monster... um, not exactly 'little' anyway, to me. Whoever never felt this emotion before must be God, since it's inevitable we'll meet someone that we'll envy in life.
I've always been quite a full of jealousy. It'll be of various matters such as academics, talents, friends, families, ownership of something, blahblahblah. It doesn't help that I'm such a pessimist that I always feel everybody is better than me.
Somehow, I just have to accept these facts, that people I'm jealous of has stuff that I don't. But sometimes, it's actually quite frustrating to listen to complaints of certain stuff that I shall not dwell into. What can I do? Tell them I'm jealous? They probably won't understand.
Monday, April 26, 2010 . 4/26/2010 06:05:00 AM
I forgot about the fact I'm sick and they don't allow me to prepare breakfast.
At least I got a cup of milo for myself.
Why am I writing an entry at this inhumane time?
1) I woke up and can't go back to sleep anymore.
2) I'm nursing a bout of nausea right now.
3) I'm nursing a bout of fever and I slept too much, hence the inability to fall back to bed.
Even if I'm awake, my brain feels like its being stuffed by cotton and I still feel like I'm gonna puke any moment.
Recently, I've been thinking of the writing the theme about marriage. All because of my Mum's comments about wanting to be a grandmother. Yup. Just an offhanded comment can get my brain stimulated into words and thoughts.
It's almost every girl's dream to get married (to a good husband) and we've spent hours in our girlhood thinking of the lavish celebration of one of the biggest days of our lives. We'd think of the dress, who to be the bridesmaids, the future husband and his band of bestmen, the cake, the food, the gifts, the ceremony... you get it?
Timing of my playlist is so good too. It's playing my favourite wedding song right now.
Yeah... as I was saying, when my Mum expressed her desire that probably won't happen for at least another 7 years, I thought of the last wedding dinner I attended. The table was arranged into dietry needs. Then I thought, "Oh no! Rau can't seat with my darling Pandas!" Hm... I might rectify that in the future. Then I thought again, "Damn... I have no love for Chinese food, but I'm Chinese!" Fine, I love food, so that's an overstatement. But it's a fact I have no love for the Chinese food they always served for weddings, especially the dessert. Never liked Chinese dessert.
Then, as I was online, I started looking at wedding dresses. They were all so nice... End of story. If I talked about this, it'll probably never end.
Then the people to invite. Relatives are a must... although it'll be a headache to arrange my groups of relatives (if you know of the current situation of my parents). I don't have that many relatives, so maybe I could scatter them? Is that possible? We'll see in a few years' time.
How about friends? Hm... I don't have that many friends. They'll be a quite a few primary school friends (and their spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends and maybe children), secondary school friends (ditto), poly friends (ditto), maybe colleagues and ex-colleagues and friends I may meet in the future, the neighbours, and maybe hunt down the teachers that I really respect very much. When I add them all up, it isn't that many. I don't have that many friends, so... it's a good thing too. I don't have to have so many tables. But that's a different story if the guy side has a lot of people.
Oh... lil' bro's awake. Gotta go and prep breakfast now. Maybe I shall continue this tonight.
Saturday, April 24, 2010 . 4/24/2010 11:34:00 PM
My room looks neater today... Well, there's still books and comics around, but they're all neatly stacked anyway. I'm just waiting for dear Mum to purchase a book shelf, preferably a huge one, to put all that stuff, along with my lecture notes and tutorials and other stuff. And for a study desk to replace the mahjong table I'm substituting right now.
Big Bro gave the family a scare today. He called me at 3am in the morning from A&E. I passed the phone to Mum and from then she'd rushed about. Apparently, he was involved in a fight. More like he's the victim of a beating spree. Well, that's what he got from being a hero. His drunken friends had accidentally and unknowingly offended some (I think) drunken adults and he'd stood up for them. Five adults beating up ONE teenager. And my dear brother had no one helping them! And his friends had all fallen in their drunken state of sleep, therefore, they couldn't even remember what happened until they all called him one by one.
Yup. He came back with a huge bandage wrapped around his head. Thank goodness he's fine. I don't think I can live with the thought without one of my brothers gone from my life. And he's actually the glue sticking us all together, despite the one with the worst reputation. Well, I don't think anyone can stand the thought of losing a family member. Although... I admit sometimes when I think of my father being gone, as in gone from this world (he's pretty much gone from my life anyway, hence that description), I'm not sure if I'll be depressed or upset or anything along that line. I'm just not sure about that case.
Oh wells.
Today was a tiring day. Packing here and there. Tomorrow Mum shall continue, but I have to look at my lecture notes and deal with some stuff. So out I head... that is, if Her Majesty allows. Sighs... I'm XX (age) and I still have to ask permission to go out. Guess I have to... It's a Sunday; It's Family Day.
This isn't what I intended to write today... Maybe I shall take that to pen tomorrow.
Monday, April 19, 2010 . 4/19/2010 10:34:00 PM
I'm so tired from the first day of school. Actually, there wasn't much, but usually on the first day of school, my brain refuses to shut down, and I usually ended up without much sleep.
I'm so tired that I can't process what the lecturers were talking about today, other than the fact that one was speaking what sounded like gibberish to me, and the other one was simply too long-winded that my brain shut down completely.
I'm so tired that the bus trip home after lunch with my classmates resulted in a painful neck and an immediate route to bed.
I'm so tired I'm not sure what I just read in my assignment makes sense to me. In fact, nothing makes sense to me right now.
I'm so tired I'm repeating the phrase "I'm so tired" which isn't making anything better. So... I'm off to the bath and then to bed, since I have to wake up bloody early tomorrow.
Sometimes, I don't see any point for my facebook and twitter accounts to exist. It's so public that when I have certain frustrations with people, I can't exactly vent out there. This blog too. I'm always not sure who's reading it.
The worst thing about it is that you see people shooting an unknown person and you can't help but wonder if it's you. I somehow find myself offending someone unknowingly, and get arrowed at.
Maybe I should just quit and delete my facebook and twitter accounts.
Sunday, April 18, 2010 . 4/18/2010 11:20:00 PM
Okay. I'm refreshed from my short vacation to nearby M'sia. It was the typical vacation of eating, shopping and playing. Also, since we're up in the mountain, my feetful of eczema decided to act up and gave me painful cracks of dryness. My feet ended up with plasters all over to make walking easier. And forgetful me actually forgot to bring my eczema medication. Serves me right.
I actually thought I'd feel extremely uncomfortable during the bus trips, because of the nausea I had the day before the trip, but it turned out all right. I had my music for company and comfort. And a bit of food here and there. But both bus trips were... BLOODY COLD!! There was no way I could counter the cold and that left me various positions of protecting myself from hypothermia. Being exposed to the cold in the mountains (well, it wasn't really cold there anyway) was way better than being in the bus. At least I can walk to warmth myself.
I think the most memorable was the rides at the theme parks. Some were hilarious. Some were scary at first, but enjoyable later. There were some my friends had to convince and drag me to go for it. Well, most of them were scary in the first slope, but the rest were just... there for the fun. I never sat on so many roller-coasters in my life... ever since the roller-coasters in Korea that had me facing vertically down the whole time. I guess this is a cue from my friends who want to sit on roller-coasters.
Never in my life would I ever thought I'll get to buy clothes at a discount of 50%. That practically never happens in my country. Never thought I'll buy clothes too, since the vacation spot wasn't known as a shopping paradise. Well, I'm pretty satisfied with my bags.
First time my mother actually agreed to let me go on a trip overseas with my friends, at a grand old age of XX. I'll remember everything fun about this trip:)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010 . 4/14/2010 09:51:00 PM
I haven't had motion sickness in a very long time. The last time that happened, it's because my idiot dad was driving at 180kph in a M'sian highway in the middle of the night. And that's probably 10 years ago.
Well, I probably got it today because:
1) I had an empty stomach (tell me again, what's the logic?)
2) The bus was jerking. Move, stop, move, stop... You get it.
3) Too excited about going on a trip with friends. My mother actually allowed this!
Sad thing is, it got me all over looking for motion sickness pills. I'm emetophobic, you know? And I hate long trips in moving vehicles, which includes planes, buses and cars. Oh yeah, and ferries. Totally hate the feeling when it's not on land.
I'm going off-topic now... but I need to go anyway.
Ciao!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010 . 4/13/2010 08:29:00 PM
Last night, I thought of the title of a new poem (or song) I could write. But... right now, it's just a title.
I have exactly no idea what to write right now. Who says poetry is easy? I usually write them with a dictionary, thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary on at the same time on my browser. And there'll be several revisions before I post them out on fb and blogger.
One day, I wish someone could sing at least one of my song on an international stage. Well, I can dream, can I? But that's not happening right now, 'cause my songs are not polished enough, and as far as I can read, there's no feelings. I can't feel anything from reading them again.
Maybe because of my lack of dating experience... but who cares about guys at this time?
~ 5 minutes later ~
WHY DON'T BLOGGER PUBLISH THIS POST?!!
~10 minutes later ~
WHY ISN'T THE "PUBLISH POST" BUTTON WORKING?!!
Monday, April 12, 2010 . 4/12/2010 05:43:00 AM
Where's my inspiration to write my songs or my story?
The ideas are all stuck in my head but won't come out!
Why won't my fingers just hurry
And get them all out?!
Okay, that's pretty bad. I usually work with a dictionary, thesaurus and rhyming dictionary at the same time when I write a poem. Sad~
Sunday, April 11, 2010 . 4/11/2010 03:00:00 AM
I never thought I'll actually watch another Taiwanese drama. The last one I actually completed was... actually, I can't remember. I don't think there was any that I completed anyway. That's because I thought most of the series have idol actors, and I thought they can't act, which makes it painful to watch.
But it's different this time. Probably because I was influenced by my poly classmates by the recent trips to karaoke sessions.
The process probably went like this in my brain: karaoke => Chinese songs => MV => Drama Tie-Ins => Watch Drama!
Another reason would probably be because this drama that I chose had both Wilber Pan and Rainie Yang. I grew up listening to Wilber Pan on MTV, and I love his songs in my early teens. He's one of those (Chinese) singers I never got tired of. Rainie Yang... hm, I liked her acting, because I thought she was darn cute, so... end of story.
Simply said, I fell in love with this drama, even if it's extremely unbelievable. It has so much expression and subtle animation, I feel as though I was watching a live-action anime. So far, I've only watched the very first few episodes, but I'm fighting the urge to watch the last ep. It's so funny my bro was standing behind me watching it too.
Duck probably couldn't believe this!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010 . 4/07/2010 02:39:00 AM
I'm just wondering... Just how many people visits this tiny blog? Since I swear the last time I saw my tracker, first digit was a 2, not a 3.
This blog is created to replace my old one, since I thought it's too... open. For this blog, I'm more apprehensive when posting compared to my old one. Probably due to a more aware mind, and constant reminders of discreetness from an old friend.
There were quite a few hiccups initially. There was the lingering attachment to my old blog, which I had for more than two years and had written more than five hundred entries in. Then there was the designing of the blog layout. Lots of cut and paste and editing and paint and html codes to deal with. Then the worst of all was the pranksters who loved to spam my tags. Well, I blocked them, but that probably meant I've blocked wireless@sg? I don't know. They're probably people I know, but I'll never know who they are, and I'm not interested to know the immature brats who waste their time spamming pathetic messages and worrying my friends.
But I've become quite attached to this one now. I can just write whenever I want (not that I don't have this choice in the last one as well), and I kinda learned how to write in a rather discreet way. I can post things that I don't really show other people, like my poems. Whoever wants to read, just read. I don't have to broadcast it over facebook or twitter. Although it's also in my facebook, just that I never did publish them, so it's up to people to look them up.
Having a blog, in my opinion, is my escape. It's somewhere I can vent and reflect on myself. I'm not sure whether I can live without it, since I'm terrible at keeping diaries, and a blog will always be in cyberspace, so I don't really have to search high and low for it (yeah, my diaries are always going missing). It's also somewhere I can train my writing skills, since in my field of studies, language is rarely utilized except when you want someone to understand what's going on and when your grades matter.
It's a source of comfort for me. When I'm lonely, it's my pal. When I'm sad, it's my consoler. When I'm angry or frustrated, it is the shell that allows me to explode within. It rejoices with me when I'm happy. It knows my (not-so-) secrets (and at the same time lets everyone in the world know, hence the discreetness). It also knows what I love and hate, since I always talk about them.
Growing up, I also know the importance of safety, so I have a limit to the things I write. So, I don't really write like some other blogs that I've read. Rather uncomfortable for me to read, so I vowed not to write like that.
All in all, I really love blogging. It's really open my eyes to certain aspects in my life, and created a dream for me.
Say... I sound like a promoter for blogs.
~Blogging is good!~
I hate this particular feeling. This particular feeling that has been gnawing at me, since I have a knowledge of a particular emotion.
Okay. That's rather ambiguous. It's the feeling of liking someone.
I like someone. I don't like someone. Which is right? I have no idea.
Let's be honest. There is someone I like, but this someone is someone that I want to be friends with, so there's no feelings of like like. Somehow, I have quite a bit of admiration for this person, hence, these feelings.
I'm facing the fact. I've never been quite popular. I've never felt pretty and know that I'm not exactly that pretty either. And I've known about 'stories' that people talked behind me.
All my life, when I start having crushes, I never expect any one of them to return those feelings. But it never did stop me from fantasizing. That hurt. Somehow, but I just won't stop.
The pain of having crushes.
Then when these feelings went away, the memories of all the stupid things I did made me feel like an idiot. That the vows of not liking another person ever again...
And then the whole cycle starts again.
Somehow, I've started having an 'Anti-Man' syndrome. I've seen many ugly sides to the other gender, that made me lose faith. Family, friends, classmates, strangers... somehow I've seen too much bad things about the M-gender that I just don't want to commit. Hence the quote "Men are idiots." There may be a little influence from my dear Mother, but there's a lot of me too.
Yeah, I need to clear this Black Hole in my heart, before it actually consumes me and changes me into someone I don't know. And my dream of becoming a bride and mother might never be fulfilled.
Hm... crushes are interesting topics to write about. I'm sure, aside from that asshole father I lament about all the time, crushes are the next common topic I like to talk about.
Oh wells~ Good night people, before my tired mind makes me write nonsensical rubbish.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010 . 4/06/2010 10:10:00 PM
Pity. I'm always meeting people that give me looks full of just that.
Yup. I'm father-less, in a way. I'm poor. My grades are terrible. I've never been that lucky in my life.
But that's something I really don't like. It's nice that people are nice to you because of that, but I'm always not sure what they are thinking after that.
Pity is something I really don't need. I don't need people to be nice to me just because my life is bad. But I don't need people to rub in their fortunes to me either.
Whenever I feel someone pitying me, I'll act nonchalant, when in fact, it's unnerving me. Then, there's the stage of avoidance. A nicer term would be "space". Having some space to counter some of the anger of being reminded. I may not be angry with the Pity-er, but more to the fact. You know, the "whys" in life. But oh wells, I can't stop people from pitying.
I think I'm lucky though. I've read stories that there are people who are worse off, and I have some great friends I can rely on and temporarily forget my problems and love me for who I am. So I really thank them, for I may just go over to the dark side of my life.
Imagine! Vi as a gangster! Who knows? That could have happen!
Monday, April 5, 2010 . 4/05/2010 12:28:00 AM
I'm not sure whether I should write now, since I'm supposed to be in bed now, but my fingers are itching to type an entry. Today, really, is what I call moving. There's still a lot of junk lying around, but at least there's a homely feeling.
Washed the toilet, toilet sink, toilet walls, kitchen walls, carry stuff here and there, and many moving house tasks. I'm tired... that's an understatement. Yet, I'm actually taking a break from folding all my clothes, since lil' bro has school in the morning, and Big Bro has yet to come back from the nearby 24-hour macs. ~Yawn~
It's weird living with strangers. Really weird. I'm not sure whether I can get used to this until August (or so when the tenants say they're moving). They were supposed to move by the end of this month. Not a problem, my siblings and I thought. That is, until my dear mother dropped the bomb and said they were moving out at the end of the YEAR. "WHAT?!" in the public place called the airport was our reaction. What else could we say? "Oh, great. We're living with people whom we haven't even met yet until the end of the year. Much more, they're a couple who just had a baby, who probably did that in what used to be my parents' room... blahblahblah..." Simply say, we were not amused.
I haven't met the guy yet. Hopefully, he's a decent fellow. I'm not interested to live in the same house with a pervert.
Thursday, April 1, 2010 . 4/01/2010 01:44:00 PM
Okay. I shall continue where I stopped...Father
My idiot father must really be that stupid, or at the very least (or kindest opinion from me) forgetful(!), if he FORGOT to pay his consultation fees at the polyclinic more than A MONTH ago.
He is a really stupid father if he continues to stay in Hongkong, since his boss there (1) isn't pay him on time, (2) isn't paying him well, and (3) doesn't even pay him sometimes.
Plus, he's making grandpa and grandma worried about him (I'm not). They're getting on their age, and their health isn't really of the best, so it really isn't great to do that. Not that I want, but since I've moved to stay with them for a while, every single day has been about my 'dear' father, whose debts aren't paid, whose life is lonely over there, who's suffering over there with his poor health (that's his fault for not taking care), who's plain broke there.... blah blah blah (you get the drill).
I'm not feeling sympathetic, since I have little feelings over that man. I'm only more concerned over my grandparents. They're the few people I respect and can't bear to lose.
Bad news is, once he's back, he may have to live with us in the same house. I can't face that. Really! He doesn't exactly closes the door when he pees or changes. His snores are loud enough to wake me up through close doors. He has an extremely loud voice. And his opinion on things are out of this world, including price tags, food, clothes and other stuff. And he'll hog the TV, and I can't have that!
And I can't imagine Mum and that man in that same house. The last dinner we had as a 'family' was awkward enough.
Damn... I have to pay his polyclinic fees later.
Money
I'm prepared to see yet another dip in my grades. I think I may need to find another job to support the family, since we're gonna live in a higher expense house. Mum has more debts to clear and not enough houses to sell and bros are still schooling. Practically everyone in the house is working except for the young one. Hm... how often do you see this kind of family? Most of my friends and classmates are still getting mostly from papa and mama. Well, I do too, but now, most of that goes to my bros anyway. The rest of the money that father gives me goes to my transport and bills and necessary miscellaneous stuff.
I'm gonna be real stingy this year, so please don't blame me if I become somewhat of a spoilsport.
Grades
Just got the letter with my grades... I'm not optimistic about the new sem. In fact, I'm dying of fear. I used to take pride in my rather steady grades, but it's not the case at a higher level. I've thrown my pride away, and I have this fear that my brothers might overtake me, which I may be happy in some way, and extremely not in others. I don't think I will, since I've always done much better than them, and... I think you may get the idea.
I'm not gonna go to the university. It's not a thought. It's a fact. With my extremely sad grades, it's not gonna bring me anywhere. Just let me get to work straight after graduation. But I'm still making a decision whether to continue work in the same line or a totally different one. I may just take up writing (that's what I want) or accountancy (the practical one).
School
Seriously, when does school starts? I have no idea where my lab-coat is~
Play
There's a play I wanna watch so badly. But... there's no one I know who even wants to watch plays. Okay, fine. Maybe in Singapore, theatre isn't the place to be at, but I'm a great fan of theatre actors and already, I missed a great one last year that had a really great cast and reviews. Sometimes I just think plays are better than watching movies. Movies are... getting rather terrible these days.
Weight Loss
I lost a freaking 3kg, which I don't even know how I did it. Don't get my wrong. I know how skinny and light I am and weight loss is not in my agenda until the age of 28 (I have no idea why 28, so don't ask). And previously, it was hard to gain or lose 1kg, so to suddenly lose 3 kg, it's kinda scary. Thank goodness Mum's not in Singapore, or she'll take me straight to the clinic to find out if anything is wrong.
I think staying with my grandparents might plump me up again (not literally). They're always making me (or any of their other 6 grandchildren) eat anyway.
So... I've taken a lot off my chest. Writing really makes me feel a lot better.
Stay tune for more rants:)
