Sunday, January 31, 2010 . 1/31/2010 08:03:00 PM

The weekend really does go by fast when you've barely started relaxing. 

I'm currently in front of the TV with Casino Royale on. My eyes glued to this laptop screen, instead of the much bigger one just ahead. Yeah, many who know me, also know of the fact that, although I'm not afraid of mouse or rats or ghosts or whatsoever, I'm an absolute scaredy cat when it comes to thrillers, horror movies and lots of things that involve blood, even fake! Probably because when something scares me, I can never forget the image of whatever scared me, and I'll probably not able to sleep for a few days, and I can't afford for that now, for sleep is a very precious thing to me right now. 

My brothers always say, whoever became my boyfriend is quite a poor thing. 'Cause I probably won't go to these movies, and hold on to the lucky boy's arm or something. Come to think of it, my taste in movies... is rather... okay, fine. Shan't describe here. 

And does anyone agree with me that James Bond is a bloody womanizer?  

Saturday, January 30, 2010 . 1/30/2010 10:00:00 PM

Why did one comment have to tear me up? I'm sad and all, but that's rather touching.

I guess the rough roller coaster of life made me do something I thought I'd never do. I just went to a church meeting. Apparently, the 'church' is a hall in an industrial building. But it's still rather homely. 

The moment I stepped in with my aunt, it's like practically everyone's coming up to you and telling you their stories, or testimonies, as they would say. They were all nice, and they were singing choruses and hymns and talking about and explaining quotes from the Bible and there were skits too. It's still rather confusing to me, since I'm still not sure about the existence of God and obviously, I don't understand the stuff in the Bible. And it's a rather overwhelming experience. 

In all my 19 years of living... okay, maybe 10 years of understanding years, my aunts have been trying to get me to go to their church meetings, more so when... stuff happens. Maybe it's because of how empty I'm feeling now, and how jealous of my cousins I am that I decided to do. So excited was my younger aunt she cooked and packed dinner for me. 

Thing is, I went without telling my mum or my brothers. I can imagine how my mum would explode at the mention of my aunts, and right now, she's not in the best of moods, especially after dealing with her headache sister. Not sure how I can continue this secret escapade. What a dilemma!

Oh yeah. I just found out my cousin is the best non-celebrity singer I've ever heard.

I'm secretly glad.

Friday, January 29, 2010 . 1/29/2010 10:39:00 PM

I should have known... my parents should be one of the many people I mustn't trust. Whatever promises they make will always be broken, and I just had to believe them until I disappoint myself. 

Fuck it.

I'm asking this question again: Why can't I ever be in a normal family? In a normal financial situation? Or be just a normal teenager?

The latest iPad has been released. I thought it looked... rather peculiar. And the name, when I think of the word pad... I don't think I need to elaborate, right?

Survived classes in the morning by taking naps during breaks. It wasn't that bad. At least I could comprehend what goes in class. But the lecture room is FREAKING COLD. So cold that during tutorial, the entire class (just one out of three of the lecture class), sat behind the lecture theatre, which is the least coldest part of the room, while our lecturer is right in front, stuck to the power socket for her computer tablet.

In the free access lab now... Not too sure about the next class...

I keep quiet. You make a scene. Don't you know the word "humiliation"? Damn pain in the side. How many times must I get this? I doubt it's gastritis, since I ate all my meals today. And it's on the extreme left to back. I doubt I'll be able to sleep well with this pain... 

Wednesday, January 27, 2010 . 1/27/2010 07:59:00 PM

I'm not loving it...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 . 1/26/2010 10:44:00 PM

Why does the stomachaches plagues me like leeches these days? The pain was so bad just now, I was perspiring, breathing deeply but slowly, and leaning and clinging for life on the handle bar in the crowded moving bus on the way to work. It felt like, no, WORST than my menstrual cramps, although the burning feeling was rather similar; the walls of the lower abdomen ripping away from my body. 

Okay. I actually hate this period of time. That certain time of the month plus the number of thingies due. Plus this diarrhea like stomachache. I'm pretty sure it's not normal. I'm eating! Not skipping meals or anything! 

Crush - David Archuleta

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me, just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl?
Are we just friends? Is there more? Is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this into
Something that will last, last forever, forever!

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going away-ay-ay
This crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away
Going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

Monday, January 25, 2010 . 1/25/2010 09:48:00 PM

"I don't want to go to school!"

I've said this so many times, I can't remember when I started saying this except I know it started back in secondary school. It's frustrating, this sentence. I remember I hated secondary school. Then now, I'm reminded I'm not in love with poly as well.

This leaves me frustrated. Frustrated from "I'm not good enough." Frustrated from "I'm such a stupid person." Frustrated from "Everyone else is better than me." No wonder people bully me so easily, with my super low sense of self-worth and confidence. I'm probably a good gossip topic as well. 

I can't understand how my brain works. It's not like everyone else. There's so much negativity and lacks the positivity that I want. It's always against and not for, for me. Why can't I think on the bright side? Why can't I stop thinking about certain things that may or may not happen?Why can't I stop worrying about stuff? When can I ever feel good about myself? And maybe this last point is always stuck with me: Why can't I just ask? Seriously, there just isn't power within me to ask. 

Just let me keep on dreaming...

Friday, January 22, 2010 . 1/22/2010 01:30:00 PM

My favourite spot in the library while waiting for my friends to finish their GEMS was taken (T-T)... Don't know why the library was so bloody crowded.

So now, I'm hiding in the free access computer lab, where I'm gonna have my lesson here later anyway.

Gosh! My eyes are so damn tired. Not sure whether tonight I can read my tuition kid's homework. I know I have to change my glasses, since I'm already having trouble reading my work properly, but because of my high degree, they don't come cheap. No $$ (T-T)

I'm just wondering how busy life is now. There so much to do, yet so little time. I wonder how other people still got time to play and stuff.

Well, speaking of othe stuff, I just finished reading the latest chaps of Naruto and Bleach. Bleach was rather satisfying, after that not-so-nice last chapter, but it sounded like it was ending soon. I wanna see Rukia! Naruto... was disappointing these few months, and it continues to (for me). I just can't get the direction of where the plot is going, and the art's not that nice already.

I haven't been reading much manga these days already. 'Cause the ones that I read before either ended or went on hiatus, or totally don't interest me anymore. Sad. Oh yeah! I'm so disappointed in Fulmetal Alchemist, although I don't think it disappoints its fans. It's been getting so gruesome I just can't bear to read. I'm still following the story though. It's just too... bloody.

One more hour to the beginning of class...

I need to find my source of orange juice. It's my mood elevator. Or at least chocolate, which is a bit short-lived, and I think I might get a bit hyper. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 . 1/20/2010 08:55:00 PM

Today is probably one of the bad days of the week. With a small stroke of good luck (something which I unfortunately don't really have the fortune of getting it often). 

It's rather uncomfortable when other people talk about stuff that you don't like to hear, and they continue as though... okay, it's not their fault. It's normal, isn't it? But then, it made me feel all crushed up inside, and I feel... dumber than ever. 

Today, I saw in a mirror how I looked like. I'm a complainer. I'm an idiot. I'm selfish. I'm someone who don't deserve the good things I have in life. What I saw, was a very ugly person. And obviously, I don't like it. 

I talked to a teacher today, and it's rather comforting. She helped me see the stuff I'm doing wrongly, and what I needed to do as well. She also brought up some suggestion which I considered long ago, but never had the courage to proceed: transferring class. It's rather appealing, but at the same time, intimidating. I'll just try to weigh out the pros and cons again.

Many years ago, I could still just storm up my feelings into my piano. Now, my piano is gone, and all I had was music. It just doesn't have the same level of comfort. I feel like I've bottled up so much within myself, there were many times I felt like bursting. Anger, sadness, glee, pride, jealousy, confusion, and etcetera etcetera etcetera. I can't reveal all these anymore. 

Isn't it ironic? I'm a person my friends could depend on emotionally, but the other way round is rather impossible. 

Sunday, January 17, 2010 . 1/17/2010 05:03:00 PM

I lost my favourite ring... again! And my house (and my study table) looks like a hurricane had just gone through it, 'cause Mum apparently has lots of property work to do. Well... my table looks like this when I'm studying for exams and MSTs, but it doesn't exactly occupy the floor. 

Lil' Bro's saxaphone is getting on my nerves. I do get why the brothers get annoyed with my piano playing years ago, but the piano sounds way better than a tenor sax. 

Yesterday, we went to a wedding of... someone we don't know, but Big Great-Aunt called us at the last minute to attend. Apparently, the whole lot of us and the relatives we know had a big question mark on our faces as to who was getting married. Apparently, it was Big Great-Aunt's nephew. The table we had was rather good too, front and close to the stage. 

My first sip of Tiger beer... Let's just say I can never get used to the taste of any alcoholic drink. I'll stick to sprite anytime. The highlight of the night, the groom said, "我要感谢我的义父义母，让我嫁给他们的女儿." I think the Chinese will know what's wrong with this sentence. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2010 . 1/12/2010 11:49:00 PM

Tegami ~Haikei Juugo No Kimi E~

(Letter ~Greetings to a 15 Year Old~)

Yikes... Mummy is in a bad mood. Is it because today is that someone's birthday? 

Well, I just did that. Sent that person an email, although it's pretty brief. No time to regret sending it. 

Am I a bad daughter for thinking that? Is it wrong to think twice about wishing "Happy birthday" to a father who's barely there, had a (bloody) affair, and did more stupid things? 

Monday, January 11, 2010 . 1/11/2010 11:50:00 PM

I found these charming lyrics while watching the new ending of this anime I was watching. It's a rough translation and I edited it too, to make it sound better. Hopefully, it speaks to you as it did to me.

"The one you really love, 
Very rarely loves you back." 
Those charming words you spoke,
I could only nod “Right, right.”

My heart is all for you,
But yours is all for her.
“Do your very best,” you said to me
But what should I do? Please do tell me
A way to get you to notice me.

Tell me you love me, love me, love me
Look into my eyes and just tell me.
Even if you think it’s just a rehearsal
Kisses, arm pillows, hugs and everything else
Won’t you try them all with me?
And then just fall in love with me.

I'm gonna bring that big bottle of water with me everyday. It's weird, but I need my supply of water. 

Gonna be more aware of eating cheese these days. The last three times I ate quite a fair bit of cheese, I ended up going to the toilet to... you know. That includes today. I don't wanna be badly lactose-intolerant. I won't stand it if I suddenly can't eat my beloved yogurt. 

Big Bro can't make it to my school (sad-edT-T). Have to help him with his choices. Thing is, said boy isn't at home! 

10 movies of 2010 on this girl's radar:

1. Dear John

2. Valentine's Day

3. Knight & Day

4. The Spy Next Door (?)

5. Fate/stay night Unlimited Blade Works (although this will never come to Singapore)

6. Boogie Town

7. Clash of the Titans (?)

8. Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

9. Solanin

10. The Unnamed 4th Bleach Movie (?)

Sunday, January 10, 2010 . 1/10/2010 08:42:00 PM

When I was a kid, I love Sundays. It's the day when everyone's home and we get to go out... as a normal family. Now, it's a different story. 

Mum may declare it as a "Family Day" and forbade us from going out with our friends on that day, but I'm starting to loathe it. 

The reason: It's the day before school starts. And it's always the day I have to take a look at my lecture notes and do some homework. Like it helps with my terrible grades. 

And I feel terrible today too. Mum's sick, but still working. Bro's working and he's taking his results tomorrow. Lil' Bro's behind me doing his CCA stuff. And I'm trying to figure out something. 

There's no time for the things I love to do. Why can't I go back to the past and be as carefree? 'Cause I can't. I just have to look at the future, which is pretty hard. I still haven't decide what I want in life, but it's definitely not related to the chemical industry... It's kinda wasted, right? It's the only reason I'm still staying in this course, so Mum's money won't be wasted.

Hey, Pandas! I've got a challenge for you:)

I should be ashamed of myself for this... Asking for a present.

My birthday's a month and fourteen days away. No presents this year. I really don't wanna receive any. Just want you girls to crack your brains and write a... song or poem for me:) 

Ah! My favourite things in the world. Words. Heh! Let's see what kind of writings I can get from you:D

Just listened to this Japanese singer who sang in English... I've got nothing against them, but that song was rather painful to listen to, since the whole time I was trying to decipher the lyrics. And watching the PV, I'm just wondering what the director was thinking, letting the singer cycle around in a mid-length sundress. Okay, maybe it's just me. I'll be more worried about the skirt touching the wheel and getting caught in it (which the former was the case through the video). 

Enough of the singer. 

Just got back from Nic's chalet. It's a gorgeous one, better than all the ones I've been to so far. Went swimming, although I'm the "belongings' caretaker". Heh! Just didn't wanna swim, since my swimsuit is... out of shape.

Then Nic had a surprise from her JC friends. And off to the bowling alley we went. Totally bowl my way to the top, except Nic's father and cousin, who were the pros there. And I manage to hit two spares, something which almost never happen to me, since I usually rely on my consistency of knocking down pins, but not all of them, to score. 

After we had our fun, we headed back to the chalet for FOOD! Since I forgot to eat my breakfast, lunch and obviously, I hadn't eaten dinner then, Isa and Nic challenged me to FOUR rounds of eating. Heh! No hay problema! There're witnesses to vouch. 

Funny thing is... I'm hungry now. Gosh! My stomach really is bottomless. 

Nic's lil' cousin is so cute. She followed us around. So darn cute. 

Friday, January 8, 2010 . 1/08/2010 11:04:00 PM

I'm in an extremely pissed off mood right now. Which is why I'm writing this entry. I need to blow up the temper I feel welling up inside me, since I promised myself I won't lose my temper as often as I did before. Keyword: Not as often as before. Doesn't mean I won't explode again.

Al least I still get to drown myself in words, in the worlds of fictions, and forget everything else, to calm myself down. And sing to myself too, but I can't do that in public, right? I'm not the world's best singer, you know.

Today was, I won't say it's good, but I won't say it's bad either. Some good things happened, and some bad things complemented the day.

Just listened to this singer perform on this Japanese New Year's countdown. More interested in her piano. She played it so well, and my skills are just a hundredth of that singer's skills. But I'm starting to notice her songs. Well, she sang a Final Fantasy song:D

The lyrics of this song has such great meaning. I shall post it one day.

Don't you absolutely hate it when you spent time and effort composing a passage, and then the damn html or whatever decided to become a little haywire, and erased whatever you've written? I absolutely loathe that. But I shan't write out whatever I've written just now. It's just too long, and I'm real tired now.

One day, I'm just gonna switch to livejournal. Blogger's driving me real crazy with the slow loading process, terrible html and random cyber bullies. I'm alone in the library, doing whatever I can do. I'm so exhausted, I feel my brain is a big wet heavy sponge; can't absorb anything and that numbing pain.

Darling lost her voice, and suddenly, she's a Chipette today, extremely squeaky and all. That's the worst I ever heard from her. Well, even if she lost her voice, she's still as noisy as ever.

Mummy's birthday today. Wonder whether I can stay awake long enough to cut the birthday cake with her.

Practically-non-existent-father's birthday's coming up in a few days. Should I wish him? I still have to see his face for Chinese New Year anyway. (If he sees this, I'm dead.)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010 . 1/05/2010 11:14:00 PM

This is one of those many many times I thought, since I entered poly, "Just how come do I excel in subs that have nothing to do with my course, and suck when it does?"

Well, I do realise that I regret this choice of mine, but since it's my choice, I just have to go on. If not, my mum will never cease to let remember it's my choice.

In this short time of one year and nine months, I cried more times than my four years back in SJC. Fine, I'm a crybaby. My self-esteem is probably as low as the Marianas Trench. Probably why bullies love to pick on me.

On contradiction, I'm failing because of my pride. Most of the time I'm humiliated, all because of that traitorous pride in me. I'm sorry. To get an apology from me, is like piercing me through the heart with a knife. I so very want to do it but just not doing it. After almost nineteen years, Mum knows this trait of mine VERY well. Not surprising. I got it from her. 

Stupid pride. Stupid self-esteem. Stupid brain. Stupid personality. Stupid stubbornness. Stupid tears. Stupid choice. Stupid tests. Stupid me.

Let's just say, after graduation (if I do graduate), I'll never touch another chemical engineering subject again. I'll just go back to languages or geography. 

Monday, January 4, 2010 . 1/04/2010 01:32:00 AM

It's 1.30 am in the morning. I'm heading to school in another bloody 6 hours. 

This 3-week holiday shouldn't be called a holiday. It's like, we're off, and then, poof, we're back. 

I haven't packed my bag yet. Maybe tomorrow morning. Hopefully, the cup of milo can keep me awake for the rest of the day. It's gonna be a late day tomorrow. Oh, it's today. Crap.

I'm jealous of R, E, and J. Okay. Maybe not so much of J. I know she's working now. They're all waiting for their results. They don't have to cram math or physics formulas into their brain anymore. That is, if they don't take science or math again.

Hopefully I can wake up on time later in the morning. Really, I hope.  

Sunday, January 3, 2010 . 1/03/2010 05:00:00 PM

Just read another friend's blog, mentioning something about friends you've known since forever.

Come to think of it, I do know people since before I can remember, but they're not friends. They just known as my mother's/father's friends' sons (well, apparently, everyone else had sons). 

In my life, these people disappear. Okay, "disappear"'s too strong. They became strangers would be a better phrase. Things happen and things followed. Friends happened in my late primary school days, then real friends happened in secondary schools. And if you're lucky, the primary school friends became great friends as well, when rediscovered. 

I'm just wondering, if I didn't move from my old place, would I have friends from my nursery times? But then, I wouldn't have met the wonderful friends I have now. 

Then again, sometimes I don't like being around my mother's/father's friends' sons or daughters. Since my academic life started, I'd always hear, "So-and-so does assessments on his own... so-and-so get all 90s/As" blahblahblah. Wonder where I got my inferiority complex again?

Gosh! Can't start a new year with so many bad memories! 

Saturday, January 2, 2010 . 1/02/2010 01:16:00 AM

10 moments of Vi in 2009:

1) Did a Math exam on her 18th birthday.

2) Cut her hair short.

3) Reunite with the prefect's gang.

4) Hongkong trip with family.

5) Met Auntie Nancy in said HK trip.

6) Survived CPTC. And failing it.

7) Became a godmother.

8) Dealt with quite a few animals.

9) Lowest grades that Vi has ever seen.

10) Being a counselor.