Wednesday, April 27, 2011 . 4/27/2011 02:33:00 AM

Oh gosh! There's an error with the html! Need to fix it someday!!

Everyday, I'm asking myself this:

Am I in love with him? Or not?

Okay. I don't really like this writing style. Let's try another one when I write my next entry.

Sighs... I've really neglected my blog.

Had to check the previous entry just to check what I wrote in the last entry, so at the very least, I won't be repeating my words.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Lots of thinking.

In life. In love. In people. In myself.

Life;

This is the time when I feel panicked. I'm ready to work, yet I don't feel ready to go out into the big big world.

In simple terms, I'm scared.

Will I survive? Millions of people did. Why shouldn't I?

But even knowing that, I'm still scared.

It's human nature, I guess.

To be scared of the unknown.

What I want, I really need to work hard, I guess.

My dream to tell my stories to the world.

I mean, in my generation and place of residence, it's probably just a wishful thinking and people all around will criticise that it's not a practical choice.

It is not practical, anyway.

To be a writer.

How much can you earn? Especially in this oh-so-practical country.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But then again, my last name tells me to wish. It's not impossible.

Yeah, let's not forget my other dream of raising a happy family. A really happy and COMPLETE one, unlike mine.

It gives me a headache just by mentioning the word "family".

A bigger headache with the word "mother".

And the worst headache with the word "father".

I think you get the picture.

Which is why I'm so determined to find the right one.

Unlike my own mother, who stuck to my father like a leech until the day she started regretting.

And feeling guilty.

And doing stupid irrational things.

All of which aren't to my or my brothers' benefits.

Hence, the dream.

It's hard, I know. But it's not wrong to dream, isn't it?

The right one.

I'm still searching for him.

Or her.

Hopefully, it's the former.

Or it'll shatter my poor grandparents' hearts.

But then again, I'm not so particular.

What am I to say?!

I haven't dated before.

Neither have I flirted before.

Intentionally anyway. Unconsciously, I'm not so sure.

Ugh... I really dislike this kind of talk.

I'm just a romantic at heart, but I don't like to go around advertising that I'm one.

Wanna know my situation now?

It's the same as before.

So near, yet so far.

But right now, I'm so afraid of losing that person.

Yet I'm afraid of being a burden.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way.

But I feel time is running out.

So I'm scared.

What is a shy girl like me to do?

I really need to improve myself.

Mentally.

It's really important.