ViBES of THIS GIRL

Saturday, December 18, 2010 . 12/18/2010 01:48:00 AM

10 Things I Wanna Do Before I Die (That does not involve the normal "build a career", "get married", "have kids" and "get rich")

1. Buy a piano.

2. Play a game of baseball.

3. Publish a book.

4. Write for a magazine.

5. Write a script.

6. Dance.

7. To be a foster mother.

8. To learn the guitar properly.

9. To learn Japanese.

10. To go to Disneyland.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010 . 12/14/2010 02:19:00 AM

Pain is proof that you're alive. That you're human. And that you're not just a human shell.

Now, after writing that, I'm having a hard time thinking what to write next.

Everyone experiences pain. Whether it's physical, or emotional. Regular or just once in a while. Big, small, numbing, sharp, blinding... they're all pain.

While some people condemn others for cutting, think about it. Why do people cut?

I, from experience, had cut when I felt so much pain inside that I needed something more painful than that. So I cut myself.

I don't have a boyfriend, nor do I have an abusive family. So why do I cut myself?

Several reasons, in fact.

I have a terrible inferiority complex. I'm always thinking everyone around me, including my brothers, who despite being academically inferior to me, are better than me. All around, people are smarter, more capable, more sociable, prettier, and etcetera, than me. I'm not academically able. I don't deal with situations well. I'm rather introvert. And I'm not the prettiest creature around and have so many genetic features I can't fix and rectify.

Yup, as you can read above, the slightest hit to my confidence can be rather disastrous. And there's so many weakness in me to cause that.

Then there's also that family situation. You know, the one when your parents... are not together? That hurts. A lot. It doesn't help that the mother was mentally and emotionally not stable, and that the idiot father had done so many stupid things at the same time. So there was too much pinned on the oldest child. I couldn't handle the situation well. And there you go, more pain and reason to cut.

Think there's one more. Although there's supposed to be more. People. As the world modernized, there are more despicable people who really enjoys seeing others suffer. I call them bullies. I can't understand how these people enjoy their extreme schadenfreude. I guess being a victim of one of these people really demoralized me, even though I know I shouldn't be bothered.

Oh wells.

I don't cut nowadays. Well, only when I have a relapse. But I'm thankful I don't have scars. And if I do cut now, I don't cut deep enough to let blood flow.

Here you go, an entry to explain to those people who can't understand the reason that other people cut.

Make the world a better place. You could just cause the death of others.

Monday, December 13, 2010 . 12/13/2010 06:08:00 PM

"Words…to grasp them fully is such a tedious job, yet once you found the right ones, they can be used as a tool, giving you the most rewarding and fulfilling ends.

Yet in all this lay a threat, the rarity of such would compensate the understanding and appreciation of another. "

neon flux (fanfiction.net)

Labels: Words I Never Want To Forget

My family. Is no more from today onwards.

I have no family.

No mother who is an irresponsible one. Who does nothing to protect her daughter. Who never supports her daughter. Who only knows how to 'teach' by preaching, but not 'practising what is being preached' by herself. Who causes nothing but grief, frustration and anger. Who has no control over her life, her children, her emotions or her money.

No brothers who call their sister names. Who refuse to protect their sister. Who never support their sister. Who only know how to call her "stupid", "ugly", "terrible", "ugly", "stupid", "ugly" and so on. Who only know how to be nice when there's money. Who never think of their sister as their sister anyway. Who only have thoughts of their own possession, skills, friends and money.

There is no such thing as loving family. Those only exist, in my eyes, on television, in books and on others. Never on me.

I'm the Queen of Misfortune whom no one cares about anyway.

Thursday, December 9, 2010 . 12/09/2010 10:33:00 PM

10 Things That I Find Appealing On Guys:

1. Chivalry

2. Instruments.

3. Nice words.

4. Good personality.

5. Sensitivity.

6. Liberality; Open-mindedness.

7. Support.

8. Security.

9. Maturity.

10. Just being real.

Thursday, December 2, 2010 . 12/02/2010 01:34:00 AM

Am I still in love?

Since you can see the question, you must know that I'm confused right now.

I really like him. That nice boy who opens the door for girls, reads Naruto, and listen to lots of great music. That is despite him being younger than me (by months), and he's not drop-dead gorgeous (but still, in my terms, not bad looking anyway). But it's all right. Issues with ages is something I've come to terms with, and I'm not the prettiest creature around anyway.

But as usual, I've been heartbroken. Yet again. But if I were to say, this is the second real heartbreak I've had. The first being the time after finding out Father was cheating. It's something that just isn't easy to get over. Even now, I deny publicly about still harbouring feelings for him, but inside... you know.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I believe in love anymore. Between relatives and friends' parents getting divorces here and there and my somewhat idiotic parents' marriage hanging somewhere, it's hard to believe that love and marriage can last. It's just hard to believe that there's someone out there who would love me wholeheartedly for the rest of my life. I'm doubting I'll ever find love anyway.

I guess the yearning for a relationship is caused by being surrounded by friends who has boyfriends, and my curiosity. That's why I'm trying to curb these feelings. It just didn't feel right, when I know other 'wrong' factors are contributing.

And I'm guessing there's no teenage romance for me, since I'm already nearing that big TWO-OH.