Tuesday, February 23, 2010 . 2/23/2010 02:41:00 AM
yeah... I'm supposed to be asleep now...
Just watched this video on a piece of tango music on guitar. This person really plays it well. I admit I'm not skilled in playing guitars, since 1) My left-handedness already gave me a weird disposition, 2) Whenever I tried to um, strum (?) the guitar, it all comes out as "tok", or "toktoktok". I have Rau as my witness, since she used to sat next to me during our sec 2 music lessons.
And from the looks and sound of this guitar video I was watching, it feels like an acoustic guitar. And he was sliding it across. Everything he slides his fingers across, I grimaced. Probably because my fingers are the most precious body parts for me as a (not-so-great-but-nevertheless) pianist.
Well, his fingers must have toughened by now, since the guitarist does look on the high side of age. He plays it so nicely:) Well, I could always enjoy the sounds of guitars, despite my lack of talent in the field.
I totally hate exam stress. It never fails to give me stomaches and diarrheas and headaches and stuff that I don't like. Well, it's always in these periods of time I don't expect much from myself.
I'm obsessed with reading, but not equations and mathematical formulas that I have to memorise. And MOST of my lectures are about them. Imagine what a field trip I'm going through.
Oh wells... looks like I'm gonna maintain my spot as the bottom pit of the class...
Monday, February 22, 2010 . 2/22/2010 04:22:00 AM
I'm so confused about my faith now... not that I have one right now.
What is God? How do you know God? How do you feel God? How do you know you can commit to him? What happens after Baptism? How do you feel after Baptism? What does being in a church feel to you? How will and do God help you?
I want to know all these. But I'm not confident enough to take the risk to step into it. And I'm feeling the dilemma.
Can someone please tell me?
After looking through my photographs over the years, I could see I really never changed that much. Let's see... Among the Pandas, probably Rau changed the most in terms of appearance. And she looks great now... not that she looks bad in the first place. Esther, well, she just blossomed as she grew. She's our gorgeous babe with the ability to attract unwanted attention. Jes? Her hair and skin really became better, and now, she has the girl-next-door charm:) Becca, I think, among all of us, changed the least, in terms of looks. Really, I thought throughout the years, only the hair length changed. But she's our Ms President! The look of a capable Madame and the vibe of positivity that attracts. Ger, I knew her for the shortest time, but nevertheless, I saw change. Over the years, there's the change in skin colour and hair style. Suits her anyway:) There's that charm in her smile that makes others smile as well.
Well, we all changed in some way or another, as we grew. Once upon a time, nobody likes me. In present time, some people don't like me, but that's all right. I've got the greatest friends and family I could have, even if we have problems, but things will always go through. I'm not sure whether I can live without them all.
Okay. Over the years, my hair changed a lot. I used to have a boy's hairstyle (well, was bribed into it. what? I was 8!), which gave me a phobia of having short hair, then long hair which ranges in lengths but never shorter than shoulder-length. Then I had rebonded, which gave me the most gorgeous and tame hair I've ever had in my life. And then it went back to my frizzy and wavy hair, which was pretty uncontrollable. And then, courage filled me and snip, went my long hair and I'm left with short hair. Which I've maintained till now. And now, I've slightly brown hair. Well, I don't really have too much fuss about my hair. If there's a bad haircut, I'll just brush it off with a "Oh well, it'll grow back" attitude. How I wish I have that attitude for everything else. Although never in my life will I cut my hair like a boy, ever again.
Sunday, February 21, 2010 . 2/21/2010 02:23:00 PM
I'm feeling the heat now. And feeling the pessimism I haven't felt for ages...Saturday, February 20, 2010 . 2/20/2010 01:41:00 AM
I am so bloody tired. My bouts of insomnia really love the exam periods. And pimples are appearing too. PIMPLES!! After the hard work of clearing them, they come back again... And it's rather painful this time.
My head is so full of story plots. It's supposed to be filled with exams notes instead. Idiot Vi. Her brain loves to memorise the wrong things for her.
I finally found my list of songs. I stopped it halfway because of the lost list and problems with my internet storage. I shall continue till the end, although it's quite some time after Valentine's Day already.
Friday, February 19, 2010 . 2/19/2010 02:35:00 AM
Now, my mind can only blurt this out: "SASUKE! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"
Looks like he has no hope of going back to being friends with Naruto. There goes my favourite character in Naruto. And Sakura has become more... annoying. It's like her role is rather extra. Hey, it just went, I made my comrades go to sleep with the purpose of killing Sasuke myself, only to have him almost kill you instead and being protected by Kakashi and him asking you to take the extremely wounded enemy away for healing, and there, my role ends.
Gosh.
Naruto has become less appealing to me. Let me just go back to Bleach... which unfortunately is having a break this week. Sad.
Thursday, February 18, 2010 . 2/18/2010 11:48:00 PM
FCUKFCUKFCUK!!
I REALLY HATE THIS...
It's no surprise to anyone who really knows me that I want to be a writer; a journalist, novelist, reporter, script-writer, etc.
Now, in between reports and studying for the exams, I feel so edgy without writing any good stories, songs or poems. It has become part of my life and also the reason of existence for this blog. Writing and reading fictions (and a bit of non-fiction, although generally not my forte) extensively has been part of my life since I started writing compositions back in primary school, and being encouraged by my teachers in both primary and secondary schools really enlightened me then.
It's a bit of a curiosity, even to me, why I chose my current course (okay, I do know the reason), but I'm just gonna finish it and pursue my dream later. It can wait, right?
Just because I'm not in love with men, doesn't mean I'll fall for girls, Mum.
... Absolutely ABSOLUTELY loathe men...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010 . 2/17/2010 03:31:00 AM
I am so bloody tired, but I just can't fall asleep... Insomnia acting up again.
This CNY proves to be the most tiring one I've ever had. Or maybe that's because I've come down with lesser energy than I had the previous years. That last sentence doesn't make sense... Whatever.
I forgot how noisy it was during Chinese New Year; The lion dances, the exploding sparklers, and the terrible karaokes that this neighbourhood adores. Heck, my little cousins were too high on sugar and were running around screaming like... I don't know, little kids? I don't remember being that hyperactive.
Despite the unmemorable moments of CNY, there were enjoyable moments too. I really love it when the family comes together. I liked playing with the children, despite their high energy levels. I like talking to my great aunts and uncles, and uncles and aunts. And it's rather interesting to eat KFC on our first day together. And I realised since my first reunion dinner, this period is the time when I start speaking a lot of Cantonese and Chinese, more the former. Weird, isn't it?
What other trivia? Oh yeah, I dealt with a lot of dogs this year. Got bitten, but since the dog's rather old, it's not painful. Heh! I enjoy playing with the dogs anyway. They're a lot better than cats.
Anyway, Happy Lunar New Year:)
Thursday, February 11, 2010 . 2/11/2010 02:25:00 AM
Okay. Today I should be writing in 2 songs to accommodate yesterday's miss. I shall provide a female artiste and a male artiste, to be fair.
The first one shall be by one of my favourite singers, Taylor Swift. The song I shall choose from her is "The Way I loved You". This one is a bit different from the other songs I have put up, since the character in the song who experienced unrequited love is not the protagonist, nor the second person, but a third person who's in love with the protagonist. I really pity that guy in the song, more so when he's clearly in love with the protagonist and really a dream guy, but she's not really returning it. It's more like she agreed to be with him for the sake of making her bad ex-boyfriend jealous. Well, it is interesting to listen to a song from the point of view of someone who is the object of an unrequited love, and not the other way round.
"THE WAY I LOVED YOU" By Taylor Swift
He is sensible and so incredible
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
Okay. The second song is a song by one of my favourite UK bands, McFly. The lyrics of the song speaks of a guy who is in love and is trying to forget this girl who's "out of this league", and already has a boyfriend, albeit a tough one. Well, this song is rather close to my heart, since it talks about knowing that thinking about your crush when you know you'll never get him/her is as good as wasting time, but you just can't help it. And then you'd try to forget, but you'd end up thinking of the object of crush again. What a difficult experience!
"OBVIOUSLY" By McFly
Recently I've been,
Hopelessly reaching
Out for this girl,
Who's out of this world.
Believe me.
She's got a boyfriend
He drives me round the bend
Cos he's 23
He's in the marines
He'd kill me
But so many nights now
I find myself thinking about her now.
'Cause obviously,
She's out of my league
But how can I win
She keeps draggin' me in and
I know I never will be good enough for her.
No, no
Never will be good enough for her.
Gotta escape now
Get on a plane now. yeah
Off to L.A and that's where I'll stay, for two years.
I'll put it behind me(I'll put it behind me)
Go to a place where she cant find me. yeah.
'Cause obviously,
She's out of my league,
I'm wastin' my time
'Cause she'll never be mine
I know i never will be good enough for her.
No, no
Never will be good enough for her
She's outta my hands
And I never know where I stand
Cos I'm not good enough for her
He's good enough for her (for her, for her)
'Cause obviously,
She's out of my league,
I'm wastin' my time
'Cause she'll never be mine
I know i never will be good enough for her.
No, no
Never will be good enough for her...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010 . 2/09/2010 11:24:00 PM
I am so freaking tired, I don't think I might be able to write a good song entry this time.
I don't know why, but today, I missed my piano. Music is a big part of my life, and to be away from my music is like... indescribable! I just missed creating funny melodies on my oh-so-black piano, and fitting funny lyrics to it. And playing songs I know. And figuring out songs on my own too. I admit I'm not a good pianist, but there's a fun factor for me to it. Keyboard just isn't as good as a piano. Plus, in my house, the keyboard is so inaccessible.
Currently, writing song lyrics is a pastime. My classmates laughed at me, but I think I shall just carry on. It's something I really like and proud of.
Okay, back to my playlist of unrequited love songs.
Love is a funny little illogical thing. It's a source of joy, sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, satisfaction and probably many many more. More than often, the heart rules over the head, and many funny (and not so funny) things happen.
When I graduated from secondary school and my friends went to JC (well, most of them did), one by one they started getting boyfriends. No offence, but when the crying started, sometimes, I wondered why they had to endure certain stuff for their boys. Really, they're my best friends, yet they were sooooooo devoted to their boyfriends. I guess I didn't like myself then. I was a terrible green-eye monster.
Then I had to fall really really hard for a guy who probably will NEVER notice me. And my oh-so-great classmates probably revealed this fact to him by staring at him and whispering and nudging when he's nearby. Yeah, and he has a girlfriend. No chance at all. But I was head-over-heels in love then (Okay, maybe now "in love" wouldn't be a good term. Infatuated would be better). Then I understood the feeling. That and the many stories I hear from my fellow pandas and other besties.
AND THEN, I think I reached a point of time I really really hate guys (not including my brothers). I shall not state reasons here, since it's rather dangerous. Yeah, I really hated them, and I think, even now, there is this little animosity between me and the male species in particular. I don't know whether I'll see them in a better light now though.
I guess I gained a better understanding in BGRs and the need not to pursue them now. I'm probably the only girl I know who knows I'm not ready for a relationship, although I'm still recklessly being infatuated, even if I don't really have that much love for them.
Quote of the day: "Don't laugh! It's a girl's thing!" Hilarious!
I shall write my song entry for the playlist tomorrow morning. Provided I'm done with my report...
I feel an absolute need to wash my hair. Read: ABSOLUTE need.
Unfortunately, it's just reborn, so that won't happen until tomorrow night. Goodness grief.
I am so tempted to wear my hat to school tomorrow. Well, let me just welcome the teasing and the words behind my back, literally. Oh wells.
I'm so disappointed. Didn't go to school today because of this excruciating chest pain. I had to pretend to be asleep 'cause I didn't want Mum to worry. It kinda spread to my back. Is that normal? Thank god it subsided enough so I can meet up with my classmates to discuss our presentation.
I've been plagued by a runny nose too. I'm so afraid of being sick during CNY that when I went out, I bought a bottle of water to drink. Clear my system. The memory of spending CNY in the hospital haunts me to this day. Especially that bloody painful blood-drawing incident. And the terrible and painful feeling of having a high fever one moment, and normal temperature the next, and having it shoot up again and so on. I've never been sick for so long, it's kinda a record for me to be sick for 8 days straight and ruining my CNY. Usually I'm only sick for about 2 days.
I just have this tingling feeling about my aunt asking me whether I'm free tomorrow.
Okay... I know from my grandparents that my father is coming back tomorrow. Ye... ah. What is he gonna give me and my brothers again? Is my allowance gonna come on time this year? And now that he know that I'm pretty unhappy in school, will he give me a talk? Coming from someone who only had an education high of secondary school level... I'm not sure whether I willing to listen.
Gosh! I feel so bad, but it's hard not to be. Everyone who knows me well enough knows I have little respect for my father. Don't get me wrong, but I'm one who's brought up to respect anyone who's older than me, but that person has done certain unspeakable stuff that I'd rather not talk about. And the many many unhappy moments in my primary school and secondary school life were caused by him. Not living up to his expectations and angering him was something all three of us siblings feared. I'm more so for the former (read: academic results).
My 'favourite' incident was him scolding us three in public for buying plates of chicken rice for $3 and he reprimanded loudly about how he could whipped up the dish for less than the amount we paid altogether. Okay, maybe that's because he was in China for quite a long time, and the stuff in said country are dirt cheap compared to our country. But it's embarrassing! Even my mum and maid felt so!
Although I have an intense dislike for him, whenever he's near us, I have to be civil with him, because of the respect code I was taught. Plus I do know that he cared for me. There's guilt there, but... you know.
You know? This is random, but mum likes to ask me this question every other month: "Will you invite your father to your wedding?"
Tough question to answer, since I do love my paternal side of the family, despite him. I'll leave this for the future to take place. Now's not the time.
Monday, February 8, 2010 . 2/08/2010 11:38:00 PM
My fourth day into doing this. I kinda enjoy doing this, since I get to read a lot of lyrics about heartbreaks, from which I learnt how to write my own lyrics. Although I'm coming out forthright that I prefer to be a writer than a lyricist. All those rhymes and patterns are driving me crazy as I'm writing my current song. But I finish a song, it's a darling to me, 'cause it is a result of lots of thinking, even if it's just short stencils. So far, I've only completed one song (I daresay this. Heh!), and another one on the way. Rather dissatisfied with the current one I'm writing because I can't seem to get the feelings out, nor have the time to really think what I'm missing.
Back to my latest song in the list. "Invisible" is probably one of the more famous song of Clay Aiken. The word "invisible" really calls out to me, since sometimes, when you like someone, the person may not know you, or acknowledge you, making you feel invisible. This song is a bit ambiguous about whether the protagonist knows the girl of the song, but it's clear that he's yearning for her, and wishes to know her better. The lyrics also eerily seems to suggest that the protagonist wants to be with the girl in a stalker-like way. Hm...
Well, it's still a good song to listen to. Enjoy!
"INVISIBLE" By Clay Aiken
What are you doing tonight
Are you really alone
Who's stealing your dreams
Why can't I bring you into my life
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait...I already am)
Saw your face in the crowd
I call out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could read what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait...I already am)
Reach out
But you don't even see me
Even when I scream out
Baby, you don't hear me
I am nothing without you
Just a shadow passing through
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait...I already am)
I totally intended to write a proper entry today. Totally forgot about it until I thought about the very first home I could remember.
I used to live in Yishun. Spent my childhood rather happily, living in a big family. I don't use to speak Chinese at home. It's just English to my parents, the maid and Big Bro (back then, there was no lil' bro), and Cantonese to my grandparents. Life was simpler, quieter, and a great deal happier. I can still remember unlike other kids, I just wasn't afraid of the dark and could walk across the dark dark living room to my parents' room, to snuggle in between them. More often than not, the next morning, Big Bro would be next to us. I guess that's why both of us weren't afraid of the dark growing up (unlike the lil' one).
I like it when grandpa brought me to school. I don't know why, but I can't remember why I prefer grandpa instead of the maid (that was the old one... can't remember her name).
Fast forward nearly twelve years, when I'm on my way back to Yishun MRT from the home salon, I passed by where I grew up. The flat had a different colour, the chiku trees were bigger and fatter, the forest nearby became more sparse, and two blocks down, there was no church (and the church is HUGE). Life is harder now. And come to think of it, my family just got cut into half. There's no way I could go back there except through remembrance.
Although I still can't help but wish I'd stayed that happy carefree child.
Sunday, February 7, 2010 . 2/07/2010 11:25:00 PM
The next song of the day, let's have a female singer. Well, there's no other girl I could find who could write the unrequited love songs like Taylor Swift! Okay, the whole world knows I'm a great fan of hers, since I don't just like her songs, but her writings as well.
This is also one of her two highest-charting songs on the Billboard, and is also famous for that famous "Beyonce-is-better" incident. As with other Taylor Swift songs, I love both the melody and the lyrics, as much of a logophile I am. Although I have to admit, this is the classic "best-girl-friend-love-best-guy-friend-in-the-romantic-way-but-best-guy-friend-is-attached-to-another-girl-who-is-a-XXXXX."
Warning: Singing this song requires lots of breath control.
"You Belong With Me" By Taylor Swift
With your girlfriend
She's upset
She's going off about
Something that you said
She doesn't get your humor
Like I do
I'm in my room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music
She doesn't like
She'll never know your story
Like I do
But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for
Has been here the whole time
If you could see
That I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me.
Walking the streets
With you and your worn out jeans
I can't help thinking
This is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench
Thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile
That could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in awhile
Since she brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better than that
Hey whatchu doing
With a girl like that
She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for
Has been here the whole time
If you could see
That I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me
Standing by you
Waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby
You belong with me
You belong with me.
Oh, I remember
You driving to my house
In the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me
Can't you see
That I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see?
You belong with me.
Standing by you waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know
Baby
You belong with me.
You belong with me.
You belong with me.
Have you ever thought
Just maybe
You belong with me?
You belong with me.
Saturday, February 6, 2010 . 2/06/2010 11:32:00 PM
I barely made it trying to select a good song for my daily song list.
Here's it: Nobody Wants To Be Lonely. Before looking at the lyrics, I actually thought this was a love song... I mean, it is still a love song, but originally I thought since this is a duet, the song would be for the protagonists singing for each other. Honestly, the only lyrics that was prominent in the song when you just listen is the title, "Nobody wants to be lonely..."
But when I read the lyrics, I can see this song isn't originally a duet. It's about someone who loves another someone, who's just been brokenhearted, but can't see former's feelings, or just can't return them. I can feel the aching the protagonist feels, and how much care there is for the deuteragonist.
I won't say this is one of the songs I actually like, 'cause I don't have a love for Christina Aguilera's vocals. But it's a song worth listening:)
"NOBODY WANTS TO BE LONELY" by Ricky Martin and Christina Aguilera
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
In the shadows
Come to come, come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry
My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why, why don't you let me love you
Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a serenade, so your heart can find me, ohh
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby, ohh
Before I start going crazy
Going crazy,
Run to me
Run to me
Cause I'm dying...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (I don't wanna cry)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why
Why, why don't you let me love you
I wanna feel you need me
Feel you need me
Just like the air you're breathing
Breathing, I need you here in my life
Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk alway, don't walk away
No, no, no, no...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry...yeah yeah
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (is longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (hurts inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why, why don't you let me love you
Let me love you...
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry...)
My body's longing to hold you (I'm longing to hold you)
So bad it hurts inside (so hurt inside)
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why, why don't you let me love you
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry (nobody wants to cry)
My body's longing to hold you (longing to hold you)
Friday, February 5, 2010 . 2/05/2010 10:41:00 PM
I counted today. There's 9 days to Valentine's Day (also to the Chinese New Year), and add in today, there's just nice 10 days. So, even with how little time I have nowadays, I shall just post some songs.
Since I know I'm gonna have a lonely Valentine's Day, I shall put up some songs about unrequited love/lonely love songs. Yeah. I'm that depressing. The songs are mostly in my collection of music, so let's try the first one.
Here's a song from 1975. Yeah, it's an oldie. Who says it's lame to listen to oldies? This song caught me with its lyrics, probably because of the experience. Well, it's an unrequited love song meant for the unrequited love."MY EYES ADORED YOU" By Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you
So close, so close and yet so far away
Carried your books from school,
Playing make-believe you're married to me:
You were fifth grade, I was sixth
When we came to be
Walking home every day over Barnegat Bridge and Bay,
Till we grew into the me and you
Who went our separate ways
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you
So close, so close and yet so far
Headed for city lights,
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,
I worked my fingers to the bone,
Made myself a name.
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind,
Still I reminisce about the girl I miss
And the love I left behind...
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
All my life I will remember how warm and tender
We were way back then
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget
You, my childhood friend
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you
So close, so close and yet so far
I must remember this tentative title. "I do or I will".
I might try to write a song about this. But now is not the right time! I should be concentrating on my school work now!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 . 2/03/2010 10:55:00 PM
Vi loves her brothers for making her smile on a bad day:)
There's so many things due! So many things to do and think I can barely breathe. Literally! Came down with chest pain today. This week is crazy! There's 5 projects/assignments/reports due!
All I really wanna do is sleep. And I can't afford to. I wonder how my classmates survive? I expected tomorrow to be all-nighter. My time-management is really bad, right?
I kinda like going to church meetings. And I was the very last person I'd expected to sit through a church meeting. I mean, before this, I didn't believe in anything religious. But it's the morals and teachings that inspire me to try and believe. I'm still trying to. My aunts and cousins are telling me to take it slowly, 'cause I've never been to something like this before. I guess I want a happy life like theirs. I mean, it's different, in my case. I just want to be more positive, to be able to seek comfort, and from my aunts, they said that God will help. And I really want to grasp that belief. That God will fill the darkness in my heart.
Now, I really sound so out of character. Even I am shocked about what I'm writing.
I'm worried about one thing though. I'm doing this without the knowledge of my family. If they do know about this, they, especially my mum, will probably cut ties with me. This is such a great dilemma. Going to church meetings is like sneaking out to somewhere you shouldn't be at.
Monday, February 1, 2010 . 2/01/2010 12:58:00 AM
I hate having crushes. It distracts me. It makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel... I don't know, lousy? 'Cause I know I'm never gonna act on it.
Somehow, so far, the aftermath of these crushes made me realize what terrible people those guys were (except for a certain someone who's still a dear friend).
But somehow, when I have crushes, I feel a little sense of relief. That I'm normal. That I may have some hope in finding love, even when family and relatives and friends' families are breaking up because of divorces. Then again, I still bounce back and forth between loving and hating men. Especially the latter.
I realize one thing though, after years of experience: Never let anyone know about crushes. They'll eventually tell. Or give absolutely obvious hints.
But somehow, I have a habit of acting indifference. It's the same for every other crush (gosh! I'm so embarrassed). Indifference, outside. Inside? Shan't say.
For me now, I think it's okay for me to have crushes, but I'm not in favour of pursuing a relationship now. My concern now it to graduate, which I'm having doubts because of my terrible grades. Although I'm somewhat pressured by friends, whom quite a few are attached (or some would say, going out with so-and-so), but my mind commands me otherwise, least till graduation.
