Thursday, November 18, 2010 . 11/18/2010 01:14:00 PM

I haven't been here for quite some time. Needed some time to clear my head on why I was behaving like that.

Figured out quite recently, after a very long time. I had a really bad case of jealousy.

Because the people surrounding me in school are very fortunate people. They are beautiful, brainy, loved and never had to worry too much about money. I have none of those.

The fact that they have everything I can only dream of having, and them laughing at me made me snapped.

I guess I really have to stop pitying myself. Really.

Monday, November 8, 2010 . 11/08/2010 09:25:00 PM

Just let me mope for one day.

I'll be fine the next. 

How do you feel when you're being laughed at

For something you wished they didn't?

How do you feel when you're being laughed at

And you're hurting inside?

I made a stupid mistake. I made a mistake of telling the wrong people certain things. Maybe that's why subconsciously, they're the last people I told this to. Because I just felt this would happen. Now I'm just disappointed in myself for not trusting my gut. But then again, my 'gut' feelings are quite terrible. I'm not sure whether I'll trust anymore. Either way, I'll hurt myself. 

Thing is, I hate myself for surrounding myself with people who are better than me. People who are smarter than me, prettier than me, more outgoing than me, richer than me, and so on. And to emphasize on the previous descriptions.

I'm stupid.

I'm ugly.

I'm an introvert.

And I AM POOR. 

Just how many people can understand what I go through? Seriously?

And that is a commonly-abused phrase. 

I haven't been feeling really great these few days, and no, it's not related to my health.

So many relavations have been revealed to me recently, and it's kinda overwhelming me. Overwhelming with what, you ask?

Frustration, disappointment, desperation, sadness, fatigue and whatever negative emotion I know.

Can anyone make me feel better? Unintended
Muse

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

Labels: lyrics

This is just motivation for myself.

I will not be fazed by my current modules.

I will pass.

I will graduate.

I WILL GRADUATE.

Together with everyone.

Sunday, November 7, 2010 . 11/07/2010 12:52:00 AM

It's been a while since I've had a nightmare, but never have I had a nightmare this gruesome. 

I was just standing right outside my house, witnessing throngs and throngs of people lining up and jumping down the building. And below, smashed bodies formed a river of blood and flesh. I felt like the line wouldn't end until I woke up. And there, I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I have no idea what could trigger this. I absolutely abhor horror movies and wouldn't even go near a TV showing it. I could be all the TV dramas and movies showing suicides by jumping off buildings. 

It could also be the trauma of the incident when Mum sat herself on the window sill, during a relapse of her mind, many years ago. I could never forget that. 

But even then, this is a dream I don't think I'll ever forget too. It's just too... much for me.

Before this, the worst nightmare I ever had was a tiger who could change into a human chasing me around my primary school. And that's during, and I'm sure you can guess it, my early primary school days. 

I have to try my best to sleep tonight.

Nights to all!

I hate the fact you still make me smile when I'm attempting (not really well) to give up on you...

Friday, November 5, 2010 . 11/05/2010 04:14:00 PM

I really don't like studying. Hate it, in fact.

Then why the hell does one of my ambitions involve being a teacher?

Well, I'm hating what I'm studying right now. Even if I'm putting effort in, it's not enough with the geniuses (as well as some kiasu people) in my class. I'm still at the bottom. Guess that's something I really can't get over.

And damn it! I can't see the future at all. I can't see myself as anything. Not a chemical engineer. Not an office clerk. Not a teacher. Not a retailer. Nothing. It's all blank.

Maybe there's one, but it'll probably make people laugh. I want to be a mother (although when I think of giving birth...). And I want to be a good mother. A good mother also means being a good teacher, so that's my biggest ambitions.

But right now, I need to concentrate on other 'wants' too. I want to immerse myself in the English language and music. Right now, with what I have, it's not good enough to enter the world, so I'll continue pursuing them, after my graduation from this science diploma.

I hate studying Science and Math. But I WILL graduate by the end of this semester. I can make it. I won't let anyone stop me. They can't anyway. And there will always be others who are willing to help, whom I will forever be grateful to.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010 . 11/03/2010 12:03:00 AM

Oh dear. PMS really is a monster. And I really have to manage my anger during these periods. I seemed to be pissing people off during my PMS.

It's hard to hang on to a calm and soothing facade when I feel crushed inside. Thank God it's an online conversation. 

I shouldn't expect so much. He's a nice boy. Not handsome, but not too bad looking either. A real gentleman. Hardworking and smart in his own ways. Not surprising that someone likes him and he likes someone. 

Now is the time I have to ask myself. Do I like him that much? 

Yes. An un-hesitated yes. My heart never did beat as fast it rings in my ears as before. I smile and giggle uncontrollably when he talked to me. My head is filled with thoughts of him. And I never did cry because of a crush until now. Now. 

I hope I don't have puffy eyes tomorrow. And I just decided the colour to wear tomorrow. 

Teardrops On My Guitar
Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just damn funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cause he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see

Labels: lyrics

Monday, November 1, 2010 . 11/01/2010 08:11:00 PM

I'm tired of being nice. Seriously. 

What's the point of being nice when you're always being the target of bullies? Yes, I call people who taunt others bullies. That is the definition of bullies.

This world is becoming a more and more terrible place to live in, and I'm still a teenager. Where are the morals? Where is the conscience? 

What are parents doing now? They're probably trying to give the best to their kids. That's good. What's not good is, why aren't these parents actually teaching them stuff that makes them a person? Even the simple things like "That's right and that's wrong" isn't being taught anymore. These kids probably don't even suffer things like punishments and live the lives of princes and princesses. They think they've grown up, but no, they haven't. They probably won't unless things happen.

Maybe they say bullies pick on others because they feel insecure inside, but in this current time, I feel that 'modern' bullies pick on others just for the enjoyment of seeing others suffer. Sadism. Our generation probably has an increasing number of sadistic teens, and no one's gonna stop them. Who's to blame? I would say the parents. 

There have been news that teachers and schools can't control their students. The truth is, they can't. Students these days are more daring, rude, violent, and so on. Worse still, they can't lay a hand on the students like decades ago. Just the slightest hint of 'violence' against these students, could land the educators in hot soup. 

The sad thing is, parents are also involved in the above scenario. First, they complain and cause a big scene. An educator had hit their precious kid (probably lightly), so they're going to make things big for the papers and the government to know. Second, don't they know the problem always starts with their kid? Third, don't they know the problem probably exist because of their inability to control their kids, instill proper morals and conscience into them and be a proper parent?

Parents these days probably just can't accept that their kids are bullies. They'll probably just deny the truth and think the other kid is in the wrong. Or worst, think that it's none of their business.

I might say that I'm tired of being nice, but it always ends up that I continue to be nice. I spit words of hatred, but it's only to my blog, and sometimes to my closest friends. Truth to be told, I don't like being nice, but to me, I'm trying to be the 'proper' person my parents raise me up to be.

I am what my parents made me to be.  

There are a few reasons why I am not interested in getting a driving licence.

Reason #1: I have an EXTREMELY poor sense of direction. You'll know that when you know me.

Reason #2: When you have mother like mine, you'll understand.

Reason #3: Having a car in this country is FREAKING expensive. No point having a licence when I won't have a car to drive.

Reason #4: I have two brothers. Means the family car will be driven by them instead of me anyway.

Reason #5: I prefer to be the passenger, thank you very much. I don't think I can handle the stresses and expenses of being the driver.