Monday, May 31, 2010 . 5/31/2010 02:15:00 PM
I'm good today. There's a temper brimming within me, and I'm doing a rather good job keeping it in. I'm not sure how long I'm gonna keep it since I'm rather pissed off at something/or someone. And I'm hungry. There's the say, "A hungry man is an angry man." It's a rather accurate portrayal.I'm tired. That's an understatement. I'm more than just tired. I'm a little anemic now (you know what I mean), and sometimes I'm seeing double-vision, which I have to force myself to blink it away. Along with the huge headache. My efficiency is down in the dumps and I have to force myself to finish certain stuff. Everyone around me is accomplishing stuff, and it's a different scenario for me.
I'm feeling demoralised again. And I'm tired. And I'm hungry. And stressed to the core.
Every Monday morning, I wake up reluctantly.
Why? It's pretty obvious.
"Mum, can I not go to school?"
"No! Finish this year and you'll be working next year."
Like that helps.
Vi hates Monday blues...
Hm... I was just about to hit the bed... When I decided to just check my tracker for a while.
Typetypetype, a click here and there, and then... WOAH! 11 hits!
I've been getting lesser readership these days probably because of the amount of assignments and upcoming tests. To suddenly get 11 hits when for the past week it's been a mere 2-3 readers each day is kinda a surprise.
Is it because of my recent spate of entries? Or is it because it's a Sunday?
Either way, numbers don't matter to me, because this blog is all about my words, feelings and whatever else that's on my mind. It's just for my pleasure to look at numbers.
And don't worry. My trackers don't really 'track' people. I can't see who or where you are, if that's what you're worried about (^.~)v
Sunday, May 30, 2010 . 5/30/2010 09:50:00 PM
I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. Again.
You know? The feeling of the world collapsing around you isn't the best feeling, and many a times in my extremely dramatic life, it happens. Things always happen at the wrong time.
I remember back when I was taking my PSLE, things between my parents were getting painfully obvious to me. I mean, I knew things were bad before that, but as a kid, you deny. But between cold parents, and suicide attempts, there's only so much a kid can take.
That results in a crying streak after I got my results. Don't think I ever got over that. Especially after my bitter (and arrogant, and unkind, and shameless, and etcetera) rival snubbed me.
O levels was bad too. We were short on money, and Auntie Nancy just left us. We had to move to a smaller apartment. DURING my O levels, we were MOVING at THE SAME TIME. Between studying and Mum nagging and packing, I think my concentration was extremely completely whacked out then.
Maybe growing up rather differently, I can't react properly to my results. It was bad (well, to me), and even if I want to cry, I don't feel for it. I couldn't feel happy for my results, yet I couldn't feel sad. Disappointment was present, but I was probably too used to disappointment to actually cry.
Okay, I'm going off-topic. Let's just say, the whole point of this article is, I am a favourite of Lady Bad Luck. I've gotten so such a bad luck streak that I actually hate it when I'm forced to pick something from say, a bunch of crumpled up papers to pick a topic, or just a simple game of scissors-paper-stone.
Trust me. You wouldn't want me for that.
All these family sitches are giving me a huge headache. It's gonna be a whole week to the hospital trips. And stupid father being an uncontactable coward.
Have you ever complained about what your genes gave you? Fat hips? Small chest area? Big butt? I'm sure EVERY girl has gone through that stage.
And if a girl doesn't, she's probably a) very self-assured and confident about her looks, b) a girl who can't be bothered, c) have superior genes which doesn't give her any problems.
I think most of my teenage years are filled with these problems, and I've guiltily admit to Mum, I feel bad complaining about these seemingly small issues compared to my studies and life. And she's the one who told me it's rather normal for a girl to do that. Hah! That should have crossed my mind earlier, since I practically spent my teen years in the company of girls, in an all-girls' school and is rather feminine compared to many girls I know.
I'm always complaining about how thin I am. Most girls would whack me just hearing that. Well, I admit, it is a blessing to be naturally thin. And it is a REAL GREAT blessing that I'm able to eat whatever I want (just not those that I'm allergic to or too sugary stuff) and not gain any weight. I thank my grandma for that gene of hers. But it is a chore and worry that my waist and hips are not able to sustain my jeans, pants, skirts or whatever I was wearing on the lower part of my body. And even belts don't go thin enough for me, that I have to poke holes just so they fit (and look extremely ugly). Well, it's kinda complex, my relationship with my thinness. I like being thin, although sometimes I get frustrated with being thin, BUT I can't stand the idea of being fat, or being called fat for that matter (Now, which girl likes that?). That's probably something that I am of a typical girl.
Then, I probably inherited that not-so-great skin of my mother. I think my father too, since he had extremely oily skin too, but that's probably due to excessive smoking, poor hygiene and environment too. I have extremely oily skin, hence the forever-there acne problems of pimples and blemishes. I'm EXTREMELY jealous of the girls all around me, who all have fantastic skin that needs little skin products to cover. It's like I have "Girl-With-Bad-Skin" tattooed to my forehead. Really, I do my best to take care of my skin, read articles on how to take great care of my skin, wash my face twice everyday, try my best not to touch my face with my hands and many more. But acne problems stay and probably get worse. It's rather frustrating that others don't have to make so much of an effort and they have flawless (maybe not so, but good enough) skin, and here I am, pimples here and there. Even guys have better skin than me! How is that so?!
Last thing tonight, it's my glasses. I've worn glasses ever since I was a kindergarten kid. Means I have very bad childhood pics that I refuse to let people outside my family and close circle of friends see them. It's not my fault I'm born with infantile myopia that renders me short-sighted throughout my ENTIRE life. And having my retina stretched so thin that I'm not able to wear normal contacts, which is solely the reason why I'm still not wearing those dreaded hard lens (and I'm too poor to afford a pair anyway). Glasses cost a lot, and it took me more than a year to save on the pair that I'm currently wearing. Lasik is not an option unless it could guarantee the disappearance of my myopic condition. Not happening, since technology is not so up there yet. I always thought, guys like girls without glasses better. Seen it happen a couple of times already. How demoralising. And people probably thinks, "This girl is a nerd." But no, this girl isn't as smart as she looks (or what her dominant hand implies). Glasses are really misleading too. I'm blind. Just not as blind as what you think.
Well, I can see the good in things. I just see the bad better. That's how much of an optimist I am.
I got my internet back. Yay.
Sad thing is, my messenger isn't working. Even after I've tried the method that always seem to work. Not this time. Oh wells~ Shall try again tomorrow. Not in the mood to deal with computer programmes. They've earned my ire, thank you very much.
Well, fb doesn't like me either. It doesn't want to load. At all.
Today, my family, while Mum was driving us to our dinner destination, along with a friend, ventured into a topic involving names.
One of her clients has a son with a very unusual name. Practically almost all the letters that you won't see in a common name is there. And it's a name I've never seen. Neither have the rest of the people in the car.
Then Mum strayed into how my youngest brother was supposed to be named this particular name that somehow rang a bell in my head. I've always knew that my brother would be named another name if he were born a girl, as I knew how my parents would name him something that starts with "V" if he were a girl and something that starts with "S" if he were a boy. Obviously, the latter was the case.
What surprised me would be the name my mother originally had in mind. My dear friend was snickering and smirking and nudging at me. And all I had in mind would be, "What sort of coincidence is this?"
And I thank my lucky stars he's named what he's named.
Thursday, May 27, 2010 . 5/27/2010 02:17:00 PM
I'm dying... There's no internet in my house because Mum hasn't pay the bills yet. What else is new? We're so poor it's hard for us to pay the bills. And three children dying because we can't survive without our internet.I just paid my phone bills along with some of Mum's with my allowance from Dad, which is already much smaller than usual. I'm kinda afraid what would happen when we really run out of money, which makes me resolve to graduate by next year and help with the family income. I HAVE to graduate next year. If not, I'll just drop out of school and take a job.
I'm so sleepy... I was dragging this morning, saying I can't be bothered with the lessons today and refused to rush throughout the whole time I was making my way to school. Heck, I even left my house later than usual. And you know what? I was on time. Sad.
The girls in my school clique skipped the lecture later. So I'll be lonely later. Or I'll hang out with the other two girls. They are fun anyway:) And I doubt they'll skip class anyway... Ever.
I don't really like my supervisor. Can't talk bad about him, since apparently he's quite good with IT stuff... although he is EXTREMELY forgetful about remembering certain things.
I'm thinking about how to do my assignments this long weekend. No internet = Difficulty in doing my work... Sad.
Let's see... what else can I write about before my weekend-of-no-internet... Maybe I'll just create another entry to continue later...
Oh yeah! I'm still waiting for Bleach!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010 . 5/26/2010 12:21:00 AM
I'm smelling some sort of gas in my living room, but my brother says otherwise. Then again, his body is emitting the typical chain-smoker smell. Which is probably why I was standing about 2 metres away until he bathes. Which hasn't happen yet.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010 . 5/25/2010 11:40:00 PM
I don't like the feeling of nervousness. It makes me feel unsure, unsettled, and unnerved. It makes me more clumsy than ever. And it makes my heart beat fast, eyes darting about, hands shake and face feel hot. And maybe feel like throwing up because of the butterflies in the tummy?
I get it all the time anyway. During presentations, during experiments, during class when you're being called upon, blah blah blah.
And it doesn't help that I have a lot of bad luck to expend to being with. When those two mix, it's the perfect recipe for a breakdown.
Which happens a lot in my poly year.
I honestly chose the wrong course. I've said this before umpteen times but I don't feel it hurts to mention again. There're so many courses for me to choose from for my love of writing... and imagination. There's Mass Comm, which I missed by a single point. There's Media and Comm too. And maybe I should have dropped out as soon as this course came out in my 2nd year, Creative Writing for TV and New Media. Not a feasible choice for the latter though, since I have to think that Mummy's saying for my brothers' education as well.
Then I thought, with the number of relatives having graduated and worked with various degrees and experience of accounting, I'm always asking myself, why didn't I take that? I would have survived it much better.
Basically, I would have survived being in an arts course than a science course.
Ever since I started on Chem Eng, I couldn't see myself continuing in this field of work. Really. And ever since then, I could never look at pipes the same I did before.
Well, before I get into how much I can't stand studying this course, I better tear myself away from this entry and concentrate on listening to a particular program for my experiment tomorrow.
This is a prayer I learnt back in my Catholic secondary school, that, even if I don't exactly know much about the significance (just a rough idea), but never fails to give me a sense of comfort. Well, there's supposed to be a "Our Father" prayer in front, but it doesn't have the same effect as "Hail Mary". By the way, I'm not a Christian nor a Catholic. Just a simple Atheist who is a little influenced by the religions of Christ.
Hail Mary, full of grace!
The Lord is with you,
Blessed are you amongst women
And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now
And at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Sunday, May 23, 2010 . 5/23/2010 05:43:00 PM
My brain is not meant for studying.
I can't concentrate on the work in front of me. And it's actually rather simple. Maybe not.
Is this the result of disinterest?
Friday, May 21, 2010 . 5/21/2010 01:01:00 PM
I'm so tired. (This has somewhat become my catchphrase... Not good.)Didn't sleep well last night (as usual), and I woke up late for school.
Turns out, less than half the class turned up for the first half of lecture. By the time practical started though, it's more like the people in the gang I hang out with are the only ones missing, other than another guy.
I'm now sitting in the library, staring at the mass of words that's coming out of my typing fingers. The finger that I accidentally cut with a razor is still throbbing. Now I know why people use razors to hurt themselves. When it cuts, the bleeding refuse to stop. I swear, I can see the bloodstain through the plaster.
Okay. That many people know who I like, so I might as well cryptically reveal who it is. Because of the lack of people in class, I kinda have a very good view from behind:)
I'm the terrible yet not-so-terrible type of crusher. I like someone a lot. I'll try my best to catch glances of that particular person. I'll try my best not to make it so obvious (it was quite good that nobody caught on until half a year later). I don't exactly stalk that particular person (this should be good, right?). I'm too shy to talk to that particular person (this is NOT good). I'll act like I don't like that person (totally NOT great AT ALL).
~Aw... Finger hurts. ~
See? Most likely, I won't even pluck up the courage to say anything (or in my generation's term, confess). First thing, I'm too shy. Second thing, I'm afraid (that's normal, right?). Third thing, I don't want to change anything between us if it doesn't work out. Fourth, I won't do it all the more when I know that particular person has someone they fancy.
Hm... this is my longest crush since the one back in secondary school. Poly really changed me. Not for the better. Okay, maybe it changed my perception of guys. And age. Agreed?
Everyone knows the anticipation Fridays gives.
Friday is my second favourite day of the week (the first being Saturday). It has the message that says, "The weekend is here!" or "I can sleep in tomorrow!" or "No school/work tomorrow!"
I love Fridays for the following reasons:
1. The latest chapter of Bleach is out. (Okay, this is the lamest reason, but I'm a big Bleach fan.)
2. I can go home after work and say, "I can just lie in bed and not think of anything."
3. Well... it's the weekend!
4. Well, currently my tired mind isn't helping me think of any other reason. I'm sure there's more.
Come on! It's Friday!
But Friday isn't that extraordinary to me. On alternate Fridays, I have practicals that practically left me light-headed the last time I was involved in. And every Friday, I have to go to work with a brat. A darling brat though. Who can be infuriating and cute at the same time. I'm going off-topic. Work is tiring when you have a tiring long day. By the time I'm done with my day, I'll be pale. I'm serious about that. I'll look whiter than I already am by the end of the day and Mummy would boil some nutritious soup for me in the weekends (Okay, for the three of us sibs).
Everyone else would have their social nights on Fridays. My only social date that day would be my bed. It's the most comfortable companion in the world. Well, not exactly, since my mattress is so flat I can feel the bed board (is that the correct term?).
Trust is a very fragile thing, we all know. It can take seconds to build. It can take forever to build. But once broken, it will never be the same again. Like glass. Like bent wire.
I'm too trusting a person. And I didn't learn my lesson. I learned it now.
There is no such thing as "secrets" that can be kept safe with others.
Liars.
Thursday, May 20, 2010 . 5/20/2010 07:24:00 PM
Oh. My. Gosh.
I never thought I'll get caught up in the Twilight wave. None of the male actors (or female actresses) attracted me the way... Kim Bum did in Boys before Flowers.
When the picture appeared on Yahoo news, as I was scrolling through my daily dose of current events, my brain started exploding, "He's HOT! He's gorgeous! He's much better looking than Taylor Lautner or moody Edward (forgot the actor's name)."
Just look at him!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010 . 5/19/2010 09:23:00 AM
Oh no. Looks like I'm more predictable and readable than I think. Someone made a correct guess and was adamant about the choice until I gave in. Or rather, saw through me that it's the truth. I wonder how that person does that.
I'm not sure if I should carry on with this anymore. It's hard to give up on this. And it's not as though I want to give up on this...
The fact that I'm liking a boy now doesn't mean I'm in love with the other gender. They still irk me in certain ways that I don't want to but will still encounter.
Recently, someone post this on fb.
"You know you're year 3 when you can't be bothered as to how you sleep on the bus. just as long as you get your sleep."
Which is quite true, now that I'm so bloody tired these days. And I have to wake up so bloody early on a day which I don't have school, to do a certain assignment and do a back-up copy of something. And what a nice weather to sleep through to...
Headaches are definitely a frequent occurrence in life when you're a year 3. Assignments come after assignments. Projects come after projects. Experiments come after experiments. Reports come after reports. All at the same time.
I'm trying hard to take care of myself much more than before. It's terrible to have, what someone just told me, a weak immune system. The lack of sleep, the amount of hours I'm in school, and the workload... and the weather isn't helping too. It's hot then cold, or vice versa. Not exactly the healthiest weather around.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010 . 5/18/2010 12:49:00 AM
“The best relationships- friendship and otherwise- tend to be those where you can say anything to the other person but you don't say everything.”
~ Audrey Beth Stein
Labels: friendships, quotes
Someone is gonna scold me. I'm tired. I'm supposed to be doing my assignments. But my mind has shut down, and the only thing I can do is get whatever I want out of my head. And I think my English might sound a little funny right now.
It's the start of the week, but I'm glad. I was losing myself, but meeting with my dearest friends made me me again. It was supposed to be tomorrow. And it was extremely last minute to change the time to today, since not everyone is free, and it's a coincidence that everyone's free (well, not exactly) this evening.
As tired as I was (so was everyone else), I dragged myself to the eastern part of the country, and waited for them to arrive. I think when the five of us got together again, the fatigue was somewhat gone. Thank God for that. They're the only people who can do that to me.
We talked so much today. I learned a few things about love and relationships (and all the boys go "...") and university applications. It made me realise I'm normal. About having a crush the way I'm having. Weird way of saying, but hey, I'm having a muffled brain right now.
I'm glad I found myself today. I love my Pandas:)
Monday, May 17, 2010 . 5/17/2010 11:49:00 PM
对的人 - 戴爱玲你问在我心中
是否还苦恼
那次受伤
否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照
我一切都好
一个人不算困扰
爱虽然很美妙
却不能为了寂寞
又陷了泥沼
爱要耐心等待
仔细寻找
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手
等候一次
真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到
对的人出现在眼角
那次流过的泪
让我学习到
如何祝福如何转身不要
在眼泪体会到
与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要是一种对照
爱虽然很美妙
却不能为了寂寞
又陷了泥沼
爱要耐心等待
仔细寻找
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手
等候一次
真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到
对的人出现
能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候
我就算已经准备好
放手去爱
海阔天高
喔---耶----
爱要耐心等待
仔细寻找
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手
等候一次
真心的拥抱
我相信在世界上
一定会遇到
对的人出现
爱要耐心等待
仔细寻找
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手
等候一次
真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到
对的人出现
Labels: lyrics
Sunday, May 16, 2010 . 5/16/2010 11:36:00 PM
Damn. Accidentally made myself bleed. Nothing to worry about. It's my eczema. It's just that it's too itchy... and you know the rest. I have extreme low tolerance for itch. Pain, yes. Not itch.
I have stated many time how much I love my family. I love my Mum for raising us up as a single mother. I'm sure you guys have read about this many many times.
I shall switch the attention to my brothers then. I love my brothers lots too. I can't imagine life without them. Sometimes, when one of them is missing, the house is so quiet, I wish they'd come back so we can go back to being crazy siblings, no matter the fighting or just the craziness.
Sometimes, I don't feel like the oldest sibling. They look older than me anyway (probably due to the height difference... and people saying that). I rely a lot on them, and they're the ones giving advice to me. They have so much in life, it's the truth when I say I really really admire and respect them, despite some of their fault.
I love it when they sense my depression and start doing silly things to make me laugh and brighten up the rest of the day. I love it when they come up to me for advice and help for homework (believe me, this doesn't happen often). I love it when we sing together in the living room or their bedroom or in the car. I love it when we hang out in the living room talking about good and bad music.
Simply say, I love it when I'm with my brothers. They're one of the best things in my life.
I'm not sure what would happen if I lose them. When one of them was hurt badly some time ago, it scared me real bad. Each one of us is the glue that holds us together. Without any one of us, it's... different. I can't imagine life without them.
I can never remember a time when I was an only child (probably because Big Bro and I are only one year apart). Maybe that's a good thing. I don't like feeling lonely at all. It isn't the same as having someone to hang out with, someone to 'bully', someone to eat and do thing with. And they're people who won't ever abandon you.
Because we're bonded by blood.
First thing I wake up in the morning, I tasted bile in my mouth. Nice way to wake up. It's been a long sleep. 15 hours in bed; would've been more if Mum hadn't woke me up. It's also no surprise that I woke up with a humongous headache and an urgent hunger.
This day already started out so badly. I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the week to start.
The voices in my head are getting louder.
Friday, May 14, 2010 . 5/14/2010 12:31:00 AM
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
One of my favourite words in the world. Also the title of one of my favourite childhood songs. Also, apparently, the longest word in the English language. One of my favourite words to spell. Try it!
Thursday, May 13, 2010 . 5/13/2010 10:00:00 PM
I'm having a funny stomach now. I don't think it's because of something I ate just now. It's a psychological thing...
I'm extremely nervous now. About certain things. And I do know about some people visiting this blog, and no, you won't get what you want here except more cryptic words from me.
Keep guessing. It's a game between you and me. And the only answers that exist are "Yes", "No" and "Maybe". Majority are the latter, much fewer are the middle, and the former is the one in my head.
BUT, it's pretty loud, and pretty much the whole class is not deaf, which is the reason I was mad. Well, this kind of anger won't last too long. This situation's a teenager thing, and Mum already advised me to be more open-minded and not be selfish and self-centred. I really am rather self-centred, aren't I?
Well, like I said before. I don't want to be in a relationship, but is it wrong to like someone? The fantasies are rather satisfying... Okay, that sounded wrong, but no, I don't think that far either. Gosh! I'm influenced!
Anyway, whether I get condemned or praised (what's there to get praised anyway), I don't care. What I care is the awareness, and I don't want any presence of that.
To my friends, I trust you guys to keep it down. And the subset of those friends, enjoy tweeting, but I'm not following you or allowing you to follow me! And also, keep guessing:) You'd get all the "Maybes" in the world:P
I'm hungry now. All that writing is really therapeutic. Now let me find something to munch on...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 . 5/12/2010 10:05:00 PM
I've always mentioned this, so I don't think it'll hurt to mention again: I hate rainy days.
I'm glad I got home before it rains.
8 reasons I hate the rain:
1. It's gloomy. It makes my gloominess gloomier.
2. Can't stand getting wet unnecessarily.
3. Can't stand getting feet wet. My eczema would get worse.
4. It makes my knees ache. It feels like I'm having arthritis.
5. It's almost always the reason I'm sick later.
6. Thunders are noisy, but they're all right compared to lightnings. They give me creeps.
7. Rain just makes things complicated.
8. It makes my internet connection go haywire.
My heart is beating very fast. Kinda nervous about my work now... The massive amount of info to search for is giving me a stomachache. Or is it the puff just now? Or the lack of food?Tuesday, May 11, 2010 . 5/11/2010 10:57:00 PM
Okay. I'm missing some of the notes I copied before. I have no freaking idea where they went, and I'm sort of panicking. Maybe I should just go to sleep, and wake up at my usual 4am to do some reading work.
Okay. Fine. I'm going to bed at 11pm, which is darn early in my biological clock.
My blog entries has been so short these days, I'm kinda not used to it. I would have posted them on facebook, if not for the fact I'm trying to get off facebook. Too public for me.
Oh wells~
I'm feeling the blues longer this time.
Dissatisfaction grows within me like a balloon and sooner or later, I'll burst.
I want to go back to church... If anyone would listen, it'll be God, right? God will make things better, right? It isn't wrong to believe in him, right?
Monday, May 10, 2010 . 5/10/2010 10:34:00 PM
I look out at the window.
I look at my wrist.
I look at the road.
I look at that medical box.
I look at the stove.
I look at my life.
I look at them all again.
"Mum? Can I stop studying?"
"No, you can't."
"Mum? Can I drop out of school?"
"What?! No! Just finish this year and you'll be done."
"Mum? What if I don't want to go to the U?"
"Can. After you finish this diploma."
"Mum? Can I just kill myself?"
Sunday, May 9, 2010 . 5/09/2010 09:59:00 PM
I realized that seconds ago that it's kinda pointless for me to write an entry here, since there's practically nothing for me to write. But it's just a way of making me feel better than my current state of mind.
I'm feeling very empty-headed and directionless. It's a series of "Why am I doing this?", "Why am I not doing this?", "Just what am I doing?", "I don't get it.", "I give up." and etcetera. It's giving me a very bad headache. Psychological effects. Sick.
I just found a piece of advice online,
"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "
~Jennifer James
Jealousy is part of the ugly creature within me. The above quote is a very true description on this particular monster that invades my head and my heart. After reading this quote, it made me realise why I'm often jealous of others. Especially the part about not loving myself.
I've always criticized and blamed myself for so many things for so long, that I never really know how to love myself for all my faults and strengths. When was the last time I could really say I was really happy to be me? Just how many people out there are like that anyway?
I feel like I've become a mother, nagging at my brothers, just so my mother doesn't get angry when she's back. Hard work, since we're all stubborn children.
Being a mother is hard, we all know and probably can't understand. It's one of my greatest wish to be one, as can be seen from my endless caring of raurau-.-" Except I just don't feel so much for the giving-birth part. Especially after a history teacher described the entire process of giving birth.
Nope. Not happening.
I'm starting to think there's something wrong with my body.
1. There's a bitter chemical taste in my mouth. That's not normal, isn't it?
2. My bones, especially the joints, are aching quite badly, hence the pain I was complaining the whole of last week.
3. I'm getting more and more tired. But that happens all the time anyway.
4. My appetite is failing me. I used to have such a good appetite, and I ate more than a normal girl does. Nausea is really not my best friend.
5. Maybe because of the previous point, I'm losing weight. But to suddenly and drastically losing quite a bit of weight worries me. I never liked losing weight, since I'm already quite underweight.
I have a right to worry. I've never had a healthy body, and I have quite a bit of family history for illnesses such as diabetes, eczema and heart problems. I already have quite a severe eczema, and I suspect my slightly diabetic, which is why I control my diet so much. Not too much sugar in my life, which is fine by me, since I don't really like sweets.
Maybe I'm worrying too much?
I just thought of a new story plot! But I can't write it out when I've barely enough time to cover my assignments.
Gets me to the point: How will me studying chemical engineering get me to my dream of publishing a book?
The stories are all stuck in my head waiting to get out onto paper, but time is the prison to them all.
Dear Mummy,
Thanks for being the greatest Mum I can ever have.
Thanks for not giving up on when the idiot doctor thought I was gone and giving birth to me in the end. Thank you very much.
Thanks for being the nicer parent throughout my entire growing years, and even now, you're still the nicer and much better parent. Thank you very much.
Thanks for showering your love on me. Even if I don't show my actions of love on you, like kissing or hugging you or declaring "I love you", like my brothers, I still love you back very much. Thank you very much.
Thanks for being by my side throughout my stressful studying period. Thanks for being there with my tears and moaning about school and people. Thank you very much.
Thanks for being the only parent in my life now. Even if I don't have the normal teenage life you wish for me and my brothers to have, I'm very contented with our family life right now, and I'm sure they are contented too. Thank you very much.
Thanks for putting up with my stubborn personality and hot tempers. Thank you very much.
Last of all, thank you for bringing me up to the me now. I may not be the perfect good girl, but I'm trying the best I am. Thank you very much.
Thank you, Mummy, for being the best mother we could ever have.
Happy Mothers' Day!
Even if you can't see this.
Saturday, May 8, 2010 . 5/08/2010 11:43:00 PM
It's no secret I have a crush on someone. It's just a secret on who it is. Apparently, I'm so discreet about it that almost everybody don't know who that lucky/unlucky person is, unless I told them myself, which only include my best friends, since they don't really know that person. Or a lucky guess.
Apparently, the finale of almost all my crush is hatred for them. Except for the very first one, who's one of my greatest friends. Hopefully this doesn't happen for the latest one, since this person is such a nice person.
I think my best friends were very shocked by this choice, since I've always emphasized on this criteria. Oh wells. They're getting back at me on this fact.
Well, this crush may never last. My priorities are set, and my studies will be higher than relationships. I will graduate before looking out for love, which I don't know whether I might give. It's complicated.
Somehow, I have this philosophy. I'll much rather fall out of love than fall too hard in love. I'm not too sure why I set this philosophy (well, it's not exactly one either). I'm probably too disappointed with myself and love that unconsciously (yet consciously) I'm trying to form a barrier between myself and the outside world. It's complicated.
Back to main topic: the crush. It may never come to fruit, since I feel that this person is in love with another person. It's a woman's intuition. And lots of fb hints. However, it never stopped my from admiring this person from afar, even if it does hurt. Quite a bit. Hope is there though. It's complicated.
Love is complicated. So is a crush.
I want to know you more than I do now... Will you let me?Friday, May 7, 2010 . 5/07/2010 10:42:00 PM
Too tiring. When was the last time I really rested well? Even when I was sick, I was more worried about the burden and gossips caused by my absence than my own body. Maybe that's why it took quite some time for me to fully recover. I'm so tired that I'm not thinking straight most of the time in classes and other times when I'm supposed to be thinking.
Well, it's making me feel stupid too. I know I'm not very smart, but the fact that my brain isn't bringing up anything relevant during classes is really degrading. And somehow, I ended up mute in my lessons, unable to answer anything, mostly panicking at the back of my mind.
I don't think most people in my class feel that way. But it's extremely pressurizing to be at the bottom of the class, and disgraceful to me. People are always looking down at you or pitying you, and I absolutely hate that. It's somewhat embarrassing.
I'm hoping my brothers don't follow my path. They should be better off with their lives, and enjoying it, instead of moping about like me. But then again, they have a more optimistic outlook than me.
Thursday, May 6, 2010 . 5/06/2010 11:06:00 PM
I admit I'm not a great singer. But I still love to sing. I sing the songs according to my mood. I sing it opposite of my mood. I sing whatever's on my playlist. I sing whatever song I'd just discovered. I sing in whatever language the song is in. I sing high. I sing alto and tenor. I sing cute. I just don't sing low so much.
I just love to sing, despite the torture I give to my family. Well, sometimes it's fun to sing with my brothers. However, it'll take ages for me to sing in public, unless I'm in a karaoke lounge, or else I sing quite terribly, a.k.a. hoarse voice, given my timidness on certain aspects on myself.
Singing just gives me comfort. People listen to music. I sing to them. It's just one of the greatest feeling to just release whatever's in you. And nobody has to listen to you:)
My mum recently removed and threw away the curtains in my room. My beloved curtains that always made my room dark enough in the bright afternoon light for a great afternoon nap.
It created somewhat an inconvenience for me. For instance, the need to change my clothes. Just when I'm about to change, I will go, "Oh damn! No curtains!" And hence, the mad rush to the bathroom for the change. Sometimes, resulting in a debate with bros on who to use the bathroom first.
Somehow, this talk about curtains made me think of a new song to write. But, it'll have to wait until I have time. It's been a while since I wrote a song...
Officially loves Twitter more than Facebook!!
Seriously, there're too many changes going on with Facebook and it's so public!! And most of the time, it hates me enough to not allow me into it's site. Then I'd go to twitter and complain about facebook.
Twitter's so private I could complain about many things in it. Loves it:) And nobody has to see them:)))
Sometimes, I just wish I could be friends with you, instead of just the hi-bye thing. ~twitter
Glee and Kana Nishino are on my playlist this days. Kana because of her "Best Friend" single, which spoke of all the words I could ever said to my beloved darlings. Glee because recently I found a nice rendition video of "Don't Stop Believing" and that got me started on Glee-sics. Again.
I'm so tired. Working and schooling sometimes don't go together. And my work is so mild.
People are so lucky they don't have to work for money. People are so lucky they aren't born poor [Actually no. But it's a fact that I'm poor. In Singapore. Not India. This always gets me into an argument. But no bad feelings in the end:)] People are so lucky that their parents are so careful with their money.
Unfortunately, luck doesn't run in my family. Really, it doesn't. When luck actually happens to me, I foresee and ominous event that might haunt me for a time.
The only thing I'm fortunate to have is the loving family and dear friends I have. Without them, I'd be an empty shell, wondering about this world endlessly, or I might have done something to end my life which might have happened long ago if not for the love of these people pulling me back to reality.
Sometimes, I like to examine my life. I don't have a lot of friends. And even that small group of friends I have, there are few I could trust with my life. I can't be myself without them. Really. Sometimes, I feel like a burden to them, but at the end, they always don't mind and talks always lead to a relief off my shoulders. Likewise, my arms and ears are always open to these people who are like the sisters I could never have.
I've seen friends who come and go. Some who've left for reasons known. Some, no. Some left gradually. Others, in a blink. Some left to other parts of the country and world. Few left for the other world. Eventually, I know these close friends of mine would leave my side (they already left in some ways), but deep in my heart, they'll always have a special place in the organ.
My mission: To make friends with some people.
I've met some of the nicest and funniest people around. And I noticed even more that they have a few interests that are similar to mine. Unfortunately, with my shy personality, untouchable air, permanent scowl, rather fake smile, I'm rather unapproachable. Sometimes, I wish I could go up to them and say, "Hey! Wanna go for lunch sometime?" But... it seems rather impossible and extremely weird to suddenly just pop up like that.
I really really REALLY want to be friends with them.
Stupid reticence.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010 . 5/04/2010 07:03:00 PM
These two photos would somehow be one of my favourite photos forever, because of the scenery and the memories:)
This semester, the assignments are a bit messy to me. I have to re-check which are the group ones and which are the individual ones. And it doesn't help that my timetable is so packed I get home looking like a drained can - dented, limp and empty.
It's less than a year to graduation (if I even manage to graduate this academic year). I've already decided what I want to do, although it'll probably need a lot of luck for me to go through with it. But at least, I think I might enjoy myself a great deal more than being in here.
Well, what should I say about Lady Gaga?
Monday, May 3, 2010 . 5/03/2010 12:12:00 AM
Best Friend by Kana Nishino (Translation)Thank you
I’m glad that you’re here
No matter the time
I can always smile
No matter how many years pass while we’re away from each other
Nothing will have changed
We’re Best Friends
I love you, I really love you
I’m sorry for waiting so long to say this
I was driven into a corner alone
When I hear your faint voice
I felt like I could make it
I can tell you anything
Even things I can’t tell my mom
You understand better than anyone
When I’m happy you’re just as happy for me
And you’re the one to scold me when I’m wrong
Thank you
I’m glad that you’re here
No matter the time
I can always smile
No matter how many years pass while we’re away from each other
Nothing will have changed
We’re Best Friends
I love you, I really love you
You quickly see through my pretenses
When I’m feeling down
You’re the first to send me a caring emails
That have saved me so many times
You said I should go ahead and cry when I feel like crying
Because you’d be at my side
My greatest ally
I wonder if there’s anything I can do for someone like you?
When I figure it out I’ll race over to you, I promise
Thank you
I’m glad that you’re here
No matter the time
I can always smile
No matter how many years pass while we’re away from each other
Nothing will have changed
We’re Best Friends
I love you, I really love you
I’ll always be praying
I want you to be the happiest person in the world
Thank you
I’m glad that you’re here
No matter the time
I can always smile
No matter how many years pass while we’re away from each other
Nothing will have changed
We’re Best Friends
I love you, I really love you
Best Friend by Kana Nishino (Romanji)
arigatou
kimi ga ite kurete hontou yokatta yo
donna toki datte itsumo
waratte irareru
tatoeba, hanarete itemo nannen tatte mo
zutto kawaranai deshou
watashitachi Best Friend
suki dayo, daisuki da yo
konna osoi jikan ni gomen ne
hitori ja seppa tsumatte kita no
kimi no koe sukoshi kike tara
ganbareru
nande mo uchi ake rareru
mama ni mo ienai koto mo zenbu
dare yori mo wakatte kureru
ureshii toki wa jibun no koto mitai ni yorokonde kurete
dame na toki wa chanto shikatte kureru sonzai
arigatou
kimi ga ite kurete hontou yokatta yo
donna toki datte itsumo
waratte irareru
tatoeba, hanarete ite mo nannen tatte mo
zutto kawaranai deshou
watashitachi Best Friend
suki da yo, daisuki da yo
tsuyoga tte mo sugu ni bareteru
hekonderu toki wa
massaki ni meru kureru yasashi sani
mou nando mo sukuwa rete
naki tai toki wa omoikkiri nake baii
soba ni iru kara tte
dare yorimo tsuyoi mikata
sonna kimi ni watashi wa nanika shite agerareteru kana?
nanika attarasuguni ton dekukara, zettai
arigatou
kimi ga ite kurete hontou yokatta yo
donna toki datte itsumo
waratte irareru
tatoeba, hanare teitemo nannen tatte mo
zutto kawaranai desho
watashitachi Best Friend
suki dayo, daisuki dayo
donna toki mo inotte iru yo
sekai de ichiban ni shiawase ni natte hoshii
arigatou
kimi ga ite kurete hontou yokatta yo
donna toki datte itsumo
waratte irareru
tatoeba, hanare teitemo nannen tatte mo
zutto kawaranai desho
watashitachi Best Friend
suki dayo, daisuki dayo
Labels: friendships, lyrics
Saturday, May 1, 2010 . 5/01/2010 11:03:00 PM
My one week of illness has taken a toll on my weight!! I just lost x kg!!
Saddening...
"Kissing U" ~ Miranda CosgroveSparks fly
Its like electricity
I might die
When I forget how to breath
You get closer and there’s
No where in this world I’d rather be
Time stops
Like everything around me
Its frozen
And nothing matters but these
Few moments when you open my mind to things
I’ve never seen
Cause when I’m kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place
You’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I’m kissing you
Past loves
They never got very far
Walls of made sure
I’ve got in my heart
And I promise I wouldn’t do this till
I knew it was right for me
But no one (no one)
No guy that I met before
Could make me (make me)
Feel so right and secure
And have you noticed
I lose my focus
And the world around me disappears
Cause when I’m kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place
You’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I’m kissing you
I’ve never felt nothing like this
You’re making me open up
No point in even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it’s love
Cause when I’m kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place
You’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes
When I’m kissing you
Labels: lyrics
It's been a while since I took to the keyboard, since Mum took this laptop to the repairs, and I got a little too sick to get off my bed. Yup, practically the whole day I was in bed, sleeping like a baby, getting off only to the toilet and a trip to the polyclinic.
It's only the end of the 2nd week of school, and I'm feeling so drained. I mean, till now, there's not as much work as before, but I'm feeling so weak and heavy all the time. I'm not whining but telling the truth. I don't even feel up to reading my beloved articles on the net, and the moment I switched on my laptop, I'll regret immediately, 'cause the internet will always remind me of stuff I have to do. And the terrible feelings I have for my work and... people.
It's no secret that I don't feel good in school. I may not like skipping school, but that doesn't mean I love school. The fact I'm finding it hard to catch up means one thing. The fact that I'm moaning and complaining is another. And the fact that I'm crying all the time to Mummy means altogether a bad thing.
I'm a burden. A huge burden to the people around me.
