Monday, January 17, 2011 . 1/17/2011 04:32:00 AM

I couldn't sleep... That was why I switched on the laptop in the middle of the night.

There were so many things I wished to write, but the moment I had the opportunity to write, whatever I wanted to write escaped my mind. Perhaps, my mind was in denial as much as my heart.

Well, I knew I wanted to write about him. Honestly, I'm starting to lose hope. And honestly, I think I'm falling harder than I thought I could.

Even then, I can't muster the courage to say anything, except to my dearest friends, whom I can trust.

Many things stop me. First, it's my inability to talk properly to anybody of the opposite sex. Four years of education in a girls' school did some damage to that. Four crucial years of my adolescence. I mean, I can talk to him online, but when it's face to face, I'm too shy to even look at him. Second, it's probably the knowledge that he himself was waiting for someone. So he's probably untouchable. And he probably never did see me as anything more than a friend.

Someone's words have been haunting me these days. "There's no hope when the guy sees you as a BFF." Not the exact words, but somewhere along that line. That sentence probably crushed a large percentage of hope I'd left from before. I wonder how much have I left after this.

Despite having so little hope, I can't help but still fall deeper in love with him. It's a very big phrase for me to say, since I don't use the word "love" lightly. He shows too much care. He acts too nice. But I guess why I fell for him is how close he is to the "normal" I'm used to. He has average looks (well, cute and huggable-looking). He gets angry at normal stuff, not petty stuff. He doesn't know what he wants yet. He likes action stuff and rock music. He's just... normal. Which is why I kinda like him, because he's not an ah beng, a chauvinist, a genius/prodigy who thinks too highly of himself, or a sadist.

And he makes me feel good about myself. I'm an existent. That I'm not useless and have my own abilities. That I'm someone worth talking to. And that... I'm actually a girl worth defending. Sometimes, there are things I could talk to him about that I can't actually say to others. And things I could share with him which others do not like. And also, we have our differences, and he understands that fact. That's it. He is so understanding, I'm not sure if I can find a person as good as him.

Sometimes, I can't help but think, am I becoming too much like an older sister he never had? Or the platonic (online) best friend he's treating me right now?

Sometimes, I wish his eyes could open a little bigger to realise why I like talking to him so much. And sometimes also wonder whether he knows and is keeping this to himself because he's afraid of hurting me with the impending rejection.

Guess that's it.

They say love is never easy, love is never painless and love is blind.