Monday, July 19, 2010 . 7/19/2010 03:10:00 AM

After reading majority of the new novel that Mum bought for me, I realized one thing. Well, 'realized' isn't a very good word. 'Denied' would be better. 

Most people know I come from a broken family. Not officially divorced, but it's the same. Father's somewhere in China, while Mum's taking care of us all by herself.

It's safe to say we aren't rich. Mum holds two jobs: one full-time and one part. I work two times a week during weekdays. Big Bro works two days a week part-time. Lil' bro's too busy with band to work; he's too young anyway. Father doesn't earn much in the other country, and the allowance he sends back is barely enough to cover our necessities, hence the need for the job. I really need people to see why I have to study and work at the same time, even with my poor grades.

It's also safe to say, I have a hatred for my father. I'm always feeling this tint of jealousy within me whenever a person mentioned anything a good father would have done. And when I look at photos of people having fun with their families - complete family - I can't help but feel envious. How I wish my family could be like that... I could never have that. That's why Chinese New Year is a stressful period of time. CNY is all about spending time with your families, your relatives, but to me, CNY is all about splitting my time between families. It can never be like before, when visits were boisterous with activity, while it's tensed with careful words (and lots of preaching from my devoted Christian aunts) in recent years. 

However, what I felt I've denied all these years was, I can't get over this split. It's been nearly a decade, but the hurt is still there. I've told people, friends, relatives, strangers, myself,  that it's alright, I've gotten used to it, that I'm happy that my parents are split up and my father's far far away in another country, but the truth is, no, I never did get over it. There's so much tears, so much anguish, so much jealousy involved, and so much self-pitying and self-criticism. It's a scar in my life that would never fade. It's a wound that could threaten to tear open with any trauma. It's a rock sitting in a plain, slowly fading with weathering and trauma. In short, it's killing me inside. 

I want them back together. I want them to stay this way. Either way, they both 'unwanted wants'; excuse the complicated oxymoron, but I figured it's self-explanatory and I refuse to go into details for that. 

p.s.1. I need to send that idiot father one hell of an email for being MIA right now and not responding to calls regarding the extremely late transferring of our allowance.

p.s.2. I am extremely not happy with the dishbag who decided to be funny and wrote that last tag on my tag board. It is extremely disrespectful and downright not the right words to post. And if you're really that person, this place is not welcomed to you.