Saturday, June 19, 2010 . 6/19/2010 04:32:00 PM

Despite growing up in a Buddhist family, with a fairly religious and dictative father, I never really got influenced by the religion. 

It's probably because I never tried understanding the religion (like how my youngest brother, who attends a Buddhist school, by the way, does). I also have a problem with dietry restriction, since I'm not one that can give on beef that easily, despite frequently saying I can give up meat>.

Maybe religion started becoming a bigger part of my life once I entered secondary school. Like I said before, I've never been the religious, nor have I been very knowledgeable in that field. So it's quite understandable that I have some sort of cultural shock when I, previously from a co-ed neighbourhood school, went into the Catholic girls' school, aka Convent school. 

I remembered my first day. The school had morning prayers. While practically every girl around me knows whats going on, I was rather clueless. So it was like this:

1. Principal went, "Let's get ready for our morning prayers."

2. Girls around bowed their heads and clasped their hands in sync.

3. Clueless girls like me clasped their own hands, and waited until the initially long-to-me prayers ended.

4. Thought goes through head, "Do we have to do this everyday?"

Then, after that, the usual first day of school.

Later that afternoon, there was a mass. The priest came in and started the mass, and girls like me who've never been through church nearly fell asleep.

I'm serious! I was struggling to keep awake! But then, that's probably because the priest was boring. For subsequent masses, I wouldn't have minded if the masses were conducted by a Father Simon or a Father Michael. 

What else did I learn in secondary school? 

I heard of the existence of the Bible. Hey, I was that clueless! 

Being from a Catholic school gave me a habit that I do unconsciously. That would be doing the sign of the cross. I would do it unconsciously, and then go, "What am I doing?"

And when I'm afraid, nervous, or thought I was sensing something I shouldn't be, I break into verses of prayer. 

Habits that are kinda hard to break. 

Even so, religion is still not that big in my life. 

When I went to Poly, I was more depressed. I actually went to church with my paternal relatives in secret for a month. Till now, it's still a secret to my family, 'cause I'm sure Mum would blow up if she heard of my actions. 

The people there were friendly, all telling me their experience with God. Maybe I was intimidated by these stories. Maybe it's the way the service, or meeting, as they called it, was conducted. I just didn't feel at home. It's comforting, I admit, but it's not what I feel I want to be. 

It's still hard for me to believe there's a Jesus or God. I'm not sure how to explain this to my Christian or Catholic friends, but... somehow I just can't. And it's not matter of want to or don't want to. 

The existent of a God is...