Sunday, May 9, 2010 . 5/09/2010 09:59:00 PM

I realized that seconds ago that it's kinda pointless for me to write an entry here, since there's practically nothing for me to write. But it's just a way of making me feel better than my current state of mind. 

I'm feeling very empty-headed and directionless. It's a series of "Why am I doing this?", "Why am I not doing this?", "Just what am I doing?", "I don't get it.", "I give up." and etcetera. It's giving me a very bad headache. Psychological effects. Sick.

I just found a piece of advice online, 

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. "

~Jennifer James

Jealousy is part of the ugly creature within me. The above quote is a very true description on this particular monster that invades my head and my heart. After reading this quote, it made me realise why I'm often jealous of others. Especially the part about not loving myself.

I've always criticized and blamed myself for so many things for so long, that I never really know how to love myself for all my faults and strengths. When was the last time I could really say I was really happy to be me? Just how many people out there are like that anyway?