Wednesday, April 7, 2010 . 4/07/2010 02:19:00 AM

I hate this particular feeling. This particular feeling that has been gnawing at me, since I have a knowledge of a particular emotion.

Okay. That's rather ambiguous. It's the feeling of liking someone. 

I like someone. I don't like someone. Which is right? I have no idea. 

Let's be honest. There is someone I like, but this someone is someone that I want to be friends with, so there's no feelings of like like. Somehow, I have quite a bit of admiration for this person, hence, these feelings.

I'm facing the fact. I've never been quite popular. I've never felt pretty and know that I'm not exactly that pretty either. And I've known about 'stories' that people talked behind me. 

All my life, when I start having crushes, I never expect any one of them to return those feelings. But it never did stop me from fantasizing. That hurt. Somehow, but I just won't stop. 

The pain of having crushes. 

Then when these feelings went away, the memories of all the stupid things I did made me feel like an idiot. That the vows of not liking another person ever again... 

And then the whole cycle starts again. 

Somehow, I've started having an 'Anti-Man' syndrome. I've seen many ugly sides to the other gender, that made me lose faith. Family, friends, classmates, strangers... somehow I've seen too much bad things about the M-gender that I just don't want to commit. Hence the quote "Men are idiots." There may be a little influence from my dear Mother, but there's a lot of me too. 

Yeah, I need to clear this Black Hole in my heart, before it actually consumes me and changes me into someone I don't know. And my dream of becoming a bride and mother might never be fulfilled. 

Hm... crushes are interesting topics to write about. I'm sure, aside from that asshole father I lament about all the time, crushes are the next common topic I like to talk about. 

Oh wells~ Good night people, before my tired mind makes me write nonsensical rubbish.