Wednesday, March 31, 2010 . 3/31/2010 04:32:00 PM

Okay. I've got exactly 12 minutes to write whatever's on my mind for the past few days.

Belated Birthday/Reunion

I am such a slowpoke. This happens practically every year since we graduated from secondary school and aren't together. I really had no idea my dearest friends had prepared so much for me. To me, it's a reunion to look forward to. To them, it's both the reunion and the surprise. I love the flower they gave me... IT'S THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE (OR RATHER, SOME PEOPLE) GAVE ME A FLOWER)!! And I love the presents! And I love the cake and maybe the way you guys and the staff sang the birthday song for me, complete with an audience and maracas. Aha! Lots of barang barang to hold on to, that made me look like I'd been on a date with a boyfriend. It's really the best day of the year you guys created for me. Thank you so very much:)

Books

I finally had some time and peace to go through some books. It's been a while since a book had me so captivated till I'm unable to put it down. It's been a while since a book had me laughing, feeling down, upset, frowning, and so on with it. It's been a while since I read a book that actually made me cry (yeah, I finally cried). Then it made me think, I want to write like this. I want to be good enough to evoke the emotions to go with the story. I want to be an author. But all these are just wants, and I still have miles and miles to go before I can actually achieve these.

Still, I have to concentrate on completing my diploma before I can start on this literary journey.

Okay. Time's up. Have to rush for my job. Maybe I'll continue this at night? Since I'm not exactly done. The next entries' are on heavier topics... so, Ciao!

Thursday, March 25, 2010 . 3/25/2010 10:12:00 PM

It's weird, you know? I used to be able to cry at little things. Now, it's a little different. I've become a little... numb. Maybe that's a wrong word to use, but that's the first word that comes to mind.

I feel the pain in there, but out there, I'm just can't express it. Emotionless, like dolls. I can't believe I'm so dry-eyed after looking at that. Grades, they mean nothing to me anymore. Except to pass. I'm so disappointed in myself I can't feel it.

I'm feeling like an empty vessel now...

Monday, March 22, 2010 . 3/22/2010 08:56:00 PM

Heh! Recently lil' Bro just gave us some big news.

Well, he's made Drum major... and this is the conversation that my family had.

Mum: "Drum Major? The boss of band ah?"

Me and Big Bro: "No lah! That one Band Major."

Me: "But then ah... Drum Major do what one ah?"

lil' bro: "Discipline lor."

Mum, me and Big Bro: "..."

Me: "Excuse me? Can you say that again?"

Saturday, March 20, 2010 . 3/20/2010 01:50:00 PM

"Good-for-nothing".

I've been called that too many times. 

I swear... Humidity really does something to wireless signals.

I wanted to sleep earlier, but I was writing until I lost track of time, so here am I continuing my writings to my blog. But it's a disappointment for my writing just now. I didn't even reach a thousand words, and the scene's not finished. It's too disorganised too.

I totally forgot the date today until I saw that the next chapter for the manga I'm chasing after is coming out tomorrow. And I absolutely hate to be reminded of dates right now. Don't mention dates or I'll go crazy. And somehow, when I go on MSN, someone's subnick have to remind me of something I don't need to be reminded too.

Oh well, I shall just mentally prepare myself for bad news. Which prompted me to do some things so as not to implicate others. But it's been making me rather miserable. Well, that's me. I'll rather not be a burden, and I feel I've always been a burden anyway.

When can I ever be happy?

Friday, March 19, 2010 . 3/19/2010 03:23:00 AM

I have a feeling five years from now, if I don't show my mum the existence of a significant other, she might actually drag me to a matchmaker.

When is the next time I'm gonna fall in love? I don't think it's anytime soon, since I don't exactly have a admiration for the opposite sex right now. Added in the fact that I had so many experiences that I don't want to remember, it's a no-no currently. 

My brain is telling me not to write down this rubbish, since I'm pretty sure people I know are gonna read this, but then again, this is my blog, I can write what I want in here and not care about what others think. If not, where am I gonna write all the rubbish within me? I'm so not great at keeping diaries. 

I absolutely loathe the lovebug. It makes one become a total idiot. It makes the brain become clouded with something called irrationality. It brings out the worst in people. 

It... makes one feel good. To explain this feels wrong, but to like someone actually makes me feel a little human, like a girl. 

Then again, I don't have anyone special to concentrate these feelings on.

And I shall declare here: I absolutely LOATHE you. 

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be understood by any of you. Just one of my funny-yet-not-so-funny drabbles.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010 . 3/17/2010 03:30:00 AM

I must be crazy now. I just watched Library War again. The whole series. Well, it's just 12-eps long, but the story's good enough to keep my mind reeling on what to write in my fiction.

Gosh! The internet's real slow today. Wonder why. I just went back to the old house for the first time in two years! It smells... weird. Not our homely smell.

I just finished my 2nd poem in the holidays. Actually, it was finished last week. Poems are really hard to write, when you're trying to put meaning to short sentences. Hm... shall move on to the third one, while I continue thinking of the plots of my fiction. Don't think I can finish my fiction by the end of the year, but I intend to reach my target of a 200, 000 words. Hopefully.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010 . 3/16/2010 03:05:00 AM

I just finished two military anime recently. One was watched painfully while the other was an enjoyable experience. 

The former had too many faults for me to point out: bad and painful voice acting to listen to, awkward scenes, terrible scene transitions and a horrible plot that goes nowhere and everywhere at the same time. When I finished (which, unfortunately took days because it was such a pain to watch and had terrible loadings) I was asking myself, "So... what's this about?" I don't even have a gist what the direction of the story is, and the character building was terrible, and suddenly relationships are built too fast (yeah... they were pairing up almost everybody in the show). 

So let me tell you here. Don't ever touch the title Soul Link.

Well, for the other anime, the primary reason I watched it is because one of my favourite voice actress was the lead. And her shows never let me down... well, that is, if she's the lead... and if that show is not the terribly violent Kite Liberator. Library War is a really good title to watch. There's a right amount of humour and seriousness balanced within the whole storyline, which I love. It's so much more comfortable to watch(I don't see blood, thank goodness for that), and every episode, there's always something light-hearted to laugh about. Things are explained and it's actually closer to life. This anime actually made me miss being in a uniformed group and also think of my secondary school desires to be in the military, although it's rather impossible since I'm such a weak person. 

Oh well, I'm still in love with military anime, and I'm desperately waiting for the second episode of Gundam Unicorn. Hopefully next season there is a reasonably good military anime to watch.

Monday, March 15, 2010 . 3/15/2010 05:18:00 PM

I know when we're moving, Mum's got quite an amount of money to spend, but I just didn't expect her to borrow money from that... that psychotic lesbian stalker who's in love with her for years! Goodness grief! She quit the company to get away from her AND she's still meeting up with her!

Now she's 'indebt' to her, because she borrowed a freakin' amount of money from her, and whenever that psychotic bitch (pardon the language, but you and I know I don't like to use this word) calls her up for dinner, she had to comply like a... like a slave to a master. 

But then again. just how many years have I watched her being like that? Last time it was her desperately clinging on to that man, now, it's that psycho, although this time it's more unwillingly.

I don't feel good about that psycho. I just fear that one day, she might do something to her...

Weird... I was just packing my old and current lecture notes into plastic bags, so my family could move it back to the old house in the morning, when I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. It was one of those "unemotional crying" that you usually see in anime and stuff. 

But is it really just 'unemotional'?

Packing those... things got me started on thinking about school.

Since the start of holidays, I've been trying to forget about school. I've been having serious thoughts about dropping out of school. Sometimes, even meeting my classmates feels so painful, that I somehow avoid meeting them just so I don't have to think about school. 

I've been drowning myself in writing, reading and watching anime. Along with avoiding home, since I was having a cold war with my mother. I thought going to school was supposed to be an enjoyable experience to me. Adults always say schooling is the most enjoyable period in life, but I'm feeling so depressed... and humiliated. About the latter, maybe I said that because I feel so disappointed and embarrassed with myself that I'm not as perfect as everyone else, in every other aspect. I just can't find one thing good about myself. Academically. Personality. Talent. I just can't find anything good about myself.

I'm always a burden to people and I myself am a bad person, who's acting like a good person and a victim. I'm a monster in the coat of a meek and gentle sheep. Not a good monster either.

Like someone said to me recently, I'm a "good-for-nothing".

Saturday, March 13, 2010 . 3/13/2010 03:20:00 AM

Opera's acting on me. Okay. I'm supposed to be in bed, but the bed bugs are really keeping me awake. Hence, the presence.

I've been feeling really down these few days. There's the temporary of talking with some close friends, but as I said before, it's temporary. It's not that I don't love my friends (I do love them very much), but it's just something which talking doesn't solve the problem.

Great... I'm starting to think this house is haunted. The door just keeps on opening and closing. It may be the air pressure in the room, and it may just be me. Yeah. Not cute.

I've been creating characters for a story I've thought of for so long, but is always revising. Recently, I just thought of a quote for this character to speak in the story.

"I hate people who smile too much."

Hm... and then I thought to myself. This is kinda true for me. The characters I create really reflect on myself too.

My reason would be, these people are the ones who are hard to read. Really. You won't know what they're thinking, because it's always hidden with a smile. Like a mask. What are the things hidden behind that smile? We won't know. Until things crack.

Now, I pray these bed bugs would lessen their bites. I'm still recovering from last week's extremely bad allergic reaction.

Monday, March 8, 2010 . 3/08/2010 10:35:00 PM

Reality check... I've just been called a "good-for-nothing". Guess that's how people really see me. Never liked the word "reality" anyway. 

Everything's crashing down these days. 

And no matter what everyone says, 

My mind's still in a dark foggy haze. 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010 . 3/03/2010 01:23:00 PM

Oh. I just realised I've wrote more than 100 posts since I started this blog two months ago. Oh wells. Let's see whether I can hit 1000 instead. 

I guess this is it. I'm just gonna pass through the Math paper, do whatever I can, then just leave the class. It's best if I'm right in the front, where I can't see anyone doing their papers. 

I'm a useless girl who can't do anything right in the first place. 

I'm supposed to study, but then I've already given up on the paper. Yeah. I'm that weak. I'm feeling the misery of studying. I hate studying so much I can't bear to touch my lecture notes. And everyone else is mugging like crazy.

Well, I'm not gonna graduate next year anyway. What's the point?

Weird. I feel like deliberately failing my exams. 

What happened to the Vi who actually knows how to study? 

It's like, whatever I do, memorise, practise, there's no point. When I see the paper, nothing goes through. What's the point?

I remembered the time when I used to love to do homework (yes, you read correctly. I used to LOVE homework). Then, gradually, they became a chore to do. Later, it's gone altogether. 

My academic life, according to my parents, is like this:

Kindergarten: "Get 1st to 3rd in class, I'll get you a Barbie."

Primary school: "You better get all Band 1s. Get any band 2, it's two strokes of caning for each band 2."

Secondary school: "It's okay to get Bs. As long as you've done your best. Just stay in the top 10." 

Poly: "Just aim for pass. If repeat, just repeat lor." To friends, "She stress, I also stress."

It doesn't help that all my friends and parents' friends' sons and daughters are doing EXTREMELY well compared to me. 

Sighs... I'm already looking at anti-depressants. Too bad I can't get them over the counter.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010 . 3/02/2010 09:25:00 PM

I can't see myself graduating anymore. That's the results of attempting the recent exams. And there's one more left. It's not like in primary school and secondary school, where I'll be so sure of my answer for quite a few questions. For this, I have totally no idea what I was doing. 

Oh well... this is the useless me. Mum doesn't allow me to drop out, and I guess I'll regret if I did that too. But the temptation for that is just to much. There's no point for me to continue. It's just for the sake of graduating with some form of papers. 

I'd much rather start work and devote myself to some job for money. I guess I have that pessimism view of life again.

It's not like I'm gonna shoot up to be a genius in this course. Either way, dropping out is a lose-lose sitch for me. I'll regret if I drop out, and I'll hate it if I continue.