Monday, February 1, 2010 . 2/01/2010 12:58:00 AM

I hate having crushes. It distracts me. It makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel... I don't know, lousy? 'Cause I know I'm never gonna act on it. 

Somehow, so far, the aftermath of these crushes made me realize what terrible people those guys were (except for a certain someone who's still a dear friend). 

But somehow, when I have crushes, I feel a little sense of relief. That I'm normal. That I may have some hope in finding love, even when family and relatives and friends' families are breaking up because of divorces. Then again, I still bounce back and forth between loving and hating men. Especially the latter. 

I realize one thing though, after years of experience: Never let anyone know about crushes. They'll eventually tell. Or give absolutely obvious hints. 

But somehow, I have a habit of acting indifference. It's the same for every other crush (gosh! I'm so embarrassed). Indifference, outside. Inside? Shan't say. 

For me now, I think it's okay for me to have crushes, but I'm not in favour of pursuing a relationship now. My concern now it to graduate, which I'm having doubts because of my terrible grades. Although I'm somewhat pressured by friends, whom quite a few are attached (or some would say, going out with so-and-so), but my mind commands me otherwise, least till graduation.